Church of Connectivity

If you make sure you're connected
The writing's on the wall
But if your mind's neglected
Stumble you might fall
Stumble you might fall - Stereo MCs.

I woke up from a dream this morning in which I was on the radio, nonchalantly describing myself as a "connectivist" to the interviewer. I guess my self-aggrandized Walter Mitty daydreams have crossed over into my sleeping hours. Anyway, since many concerned citizens dear friends over the years have told me they could easily see me starting a cult church one of these days, I have decided to hereby form one: the Church of Connectivity.

I thought I was brilliant for a second, that my subconscious was making up this glorious word, "connectivist." But then I consulted our church's ever-humbling Bible (Google) and soon discovered there are (gasp!) way smarter people than I out there. Check this out by Roy Ascott:

[T]he context of a connectivist paradigm . . . holds that everything is connected, everything interacts with and effects everything else. It is an idea as old  as  oriental [sic] religion and as new as  the quantum  physics of David Bohm or John Stewart Bell. This connectedness, this undivided wholeness, unmediated action-at-a-distance,  capable of  transcending the laws of space and time with non-local interaction is reflected in  the telematic environment of computer-mediated networks of data transfer, interactive videoconferencing, remote sensing and  tele robotics, where communication also can be in a sense "non-local" and asynchronous although in different ways and with different outcomes. Equally this connectivist  paradigm is at work in  the   modelling of human intelligence and theorising about the mind.    It embraces  connectionism in science and connectivism in art.

Yeah, what he said. Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants Freak Genius, but do you have the charisma to start a cult church around these concepts? I didn't think so.

The Church of Connectivity ("CC") teaches its followers [or Connectivists, mostly comprised of those of us who regret those frustrating years of having to repress the silent middle "c" in Connecticut]:

• We are all connected, through One mind and spirit.
• Because we are all connected, we shouldn't hurt one another because, that's like, hurting ourselves.
• Sarcasm is hurtful, unless it is really funny, then it is forgiven. Irony and parody are virtues.
• As stated above, Google is our Bible. Information is free and unlimited. (But Connectivists pay for artistic rights, like downloaded music. We're not thieves.)
• Fark.com and Jon Stewart's The Daily Show are the only CC sanctioned news sources.
• We Connectivists practice radical religious tolerance (subject to, of course, the virtues of irony and parody.)
• Tithing - we give every possession, every cent we can, to each other in times of need. Because we are connected, we're really just giving the stuff to ourselves, anyway, so it's a win-win.
• We encourage mocking of the hypocrisy of religions that ask for donations in the name of "God." (This is an exception to the "radical religious tolerance" commandment.) If you want money for overhead, staff, printing costs, whatever, just say that, don't fcuking lie. God doesn't like liars, last I heard. Plus - if you say you are a fan of Jesus (as y'all know I am, even when this induces a Cringefest) then why not follow his words? Jesus hated churches. Not the community part, but when folks pray so that others see them, that hypocrisy and self-righteousness. Have you seen the Sistine Chapel? I have. I nearly vomited at the opulence, the excess, all that gold and marble. Connectivists would take that money and give it to the needy. I opened the Google Bible for this gem as I was trying to remember the whole "pray in a closet" quote:
  
  The author of the Gospel of Matthew contrasted public and private prayer. He recorded Jesus as saying:Matthew 6:5-6: "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men....when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret...."
  
  
• Connectivists have a personal relationship with God (or the Universe, Allah, or Goddess, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, name your deity) and communicate directly with their deity and ascended teachers. We understand that Joan of Arc was burned at the stake for the "heresy" of foregoing the intermediary of a church/priest, etc, but we've progressed at least somewhat since 1431, right? Joan of Arc teaches us it's okay to have voices in our heads and to go out and lead armies of entire countries such as France when we are in our late teens. So she must have been on to something.
  
• Connectivists are hygienic and bathe at least once a day. [Hey, this is my cult church; if we're all connected, I do not want you stinking up my energy. Cleanliness is necessary for connectedness]
  
• Connectivists believe we must extend our basic rights and dignity, such as freedom from captivity and torture, to great apes (chimpanzees, gorillas, bonobos) and other intelligent, empathetic animals. They keep telling me that, anyway, like the chimp frantically signing to me to set his brothers free when I visited a Chimposium in Washington state. I swear on Google, this is true.
• There are no church leaders. Except for Reverend Jayne, of course. (Didya know I'm really a bona fide Rev.? You can be too (if you are at least somewhat sincere about it) and can do it online and print out a certificate and everything at the Universal Life Church.)
  
• There are very few sexual sacrifices you must make to your charismatic leader. It all depends on how cunning a linguist you are and how beautifully the art in your home is hung.Heh heh heh. And let's not forget the hygiene commandment.
  
• We do not believe in Hell. Except for child molesters. And rapists. And murderers. And animal abusers. And persons who abuse their power for personal gain (there are exceptions for charismatic cult church leaders.)
  
• We believe in karma. People often misunderstand karma - it's not like a punishment, it's more like physics, cause and effect. Anything we put out there, we receive back in like energy and form. Be a karmic hero, put only Love out there. And humor. And please, don't forget cleanliness.
  
• Connectivists realize that advertisers spend, like billions of dollars per year in directed manipulation to try to make you feel bad about yourself so that you will buy their crap.There are professional advertising assholes associations specializing in child psychology - how to manipulate children's minds to make them want to buy crap!
  
• Connectivists kill their TVs. Or at least do not watch more than 2 hours per day.
  
• Connectivists are inherently cool. We do not need anything with a special mark or brand to "make" us cool. Love is cool. I will be opening an online store soon to help spread the message.
  
• Connectivists are friendly to one another. That goes back to the, uh, all connected thing.
  
• We embrace knowledge and listen to people with whom we disagree. In fact, we valiantly adopt Voltaire's stance: "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Well, except for the "to the death" part. That's a little dramatic, IMHO.
  
• Connectivists question everything they learned from their parents, society, their previous churches, their peers, technology and science, the media, politicians and only trust that which is True: God, Google, Jon Stewart, intuition, quantum reality, Rev. Jayne, those voices in your head (the gentle, smart, loving ones; ignore the other ones, please) and of course Love.
  
• Connectivists are connected not only to one another but to that part of ourselves in our solar plexus that knows right from wrong and behaves accordingly.
  
  
• Connectivists would find much of this amusing and/or provocative but make up their own minds about what is true and works for them! Thanks for listening and visiting my humble place of worship.Oh, and I'll be adding a tip jar to my site soon. . . NOT! Stay connected!

Comments

[Mr. B]

Ramen Sister! I wanna be baptized!

Best...post...ever.

[Amethyst Rising]

Sounds like my kind of cu... church... where do I sign up??
(I see you have Joan Osborne's Relish CD on your list... one of my all time favorites, and no one I know has ever heard it...lol...)

[Jayne]

Ah, Mr. B., Ahethyst, my dear children of Blog. Welcome. Make yourselves at home and the Irreverent will be right with you for the baptismal [clothing optional] rituals.

[Jas...]

So far so good! I'm in. Long as you don't go L. Ron Hubbard on me!

:D

[Edge]

I'm in.......after all, I have connections. If you like Relish, find a copy of Joan's, The Early Recordings, from NYC. Raw and so....Joan.

Your reading list? Probably frightens off the lurkers. Another wonderful water book.......The Secret Knowledge of Water, Craig Childs..........about water in the desert, terrific.

[rednaked]

Cult or church whatever I'm in. I like the thought of clothing optional rituals....as long as there's no death pacts involving Kool-Aid.

[Jayne]

Jas: Let's make a deal - I won't go all L. Ron Hubbard if you don't impregnate Katie Holmes and kill her career. Deal? Deal.

Edge: Will check out your recommendations, thanks! Yeah, and I really want to scare away readers (sigh). . .

RedNaked: No death pacts, promise! That's not very friendly or karmically heroic. Naked rituals are, though. Glad to have you in. Thirsty? MWWWAAAHHH HHHAAAA HAAAA! [my best Kool-Aid offering evil laugh. . .]

[Jas...]

Aw man. Katie Holmes is a tough thing to give up... but you gotta do what you gotta do for the church!

[blazngfyre]

Can I join your coven? (lol)
I mean cult. (lol, lol)
I mean Church. (LOL, LOL, LOL)

Whatever it is your calling it, COUNT ME IN!!!!

[Jayne]

Welcome, Blzngfyre! And call it whatever you want (what do you get when you cross a coven, church and cult, anyway? Choven? Chult? Culch?; I'm liking "Chult") Hope you come back to worship in our special, twisted way. . .

[flawedplan]

"Only Connect," as in "I and thou," that's my thing too and this was very well said, and the first post I read on your blog, hello Jayne, you made my tired heart sing.

[emily]

You briefly mentioned Joan of Arc. To learn more about her try http://www.maidofheaven.com