Fictitiously Asked Questions (FAQ)

Beloved Children of Blog: Beginning next Sunday, verily I will post a Series of Sunday Sermons, espousing from my bloggy pulpit the Truth according to the Irreverent (irRev.) Jayne.

(get your own church sign here, I "borrowed" the idea from Bugg)

I have prepared this list of Fictitiously Asked Questions (FAQ) as exposition and fair warning.

Don’t you mean “Frequently Asked Questions?”

No. Most “FAQs” are, at best, frequently “anticipated” questions; more frequently, they are points the author wishes to foist upon you. See, Truth, the whole Truth, nothing but the Truth here. Would you rather have Fox News deliver the "truth?" Here's what it would look like if Fox News had been around throughout history:

So these questions are just asked by voices in your head?

Yes. In fact, voices in one’s head will likely be a topic of many a Sunday Sermon.

Well, it’s only Monday—why didn’t you write a Sunday Sermon yesterday?

You’re a clever one, aren’t you? If you must ask, my heart was filled with Hate yesterday, Beloved. I simply found myself unable to Forgive and Love my teenaged Sister from the pizza parlor; her Unforgivable Sins are almost incalculable, but suffice it to say that answering “I don’t know what a pint is” when the irRev. thirstily makes a reasonable request for Assistance, will land a person at least in Purgatory in our Church. How can she not fucking Know what a pint is, much less look at me with such Scorn and Amusement, as though I had requested a spacecake? [mmmm, Amsterdam. . .] When there is a stack of pint glasses right there in front of her face, when the word “pint” is on the dry erase board above the bar, not to mention printed on every menu? And she was TRAINING another waitress? But I digress.

I know what a pint is. What is your church?

The Church of Connectivity, of course.

I am fundamentalist/devout/orthodox Christian/ Catholic/ Jewish/ Muslim/ Mormon, will I like your church?

Sure. If you believe in Dismantling your physical churches of Man,* Collapsing your rigid, outmoded, small, exclusive worldviews, Hastening the Radical Reformation that is Nigh, (can you not feel it Coming, Beloved?) Relaxing into the Embrace of Connectivity, Taking yourself and others Less Seriously, and Spreading more Love into the world. Otherwise, probably not so much.  In fact, the Church of Connectivity is not for the Spiritually Sensitive. Hence the fair warning.

What makes you qualified to Sermonize?

Why, because I have a Blog, of course. That fact alone makes me brilliant, authoritative, Holy and wise. Also, I am a bona fide Reverend.

But I have seen you half-nekkid. You swear and you drop casual mention of alcohol, drugs, not to mention Nasty Forbidden Threeways. What kind of Reverend are you?

The Perfect kind, for my Church, thank you very much.

Won’t God punish you for your Sins?

Oh, Beloved. And I thought I was the one with Daddy issues. My God is not a stern, watchful father, ready to mete out rewards and punishments, gold stars and spankings, for my every action. Beloved, I am God. You are God. The energy animating the trees and animals is God. Like it or not, George Bush and Karl Rove are God. There is no Man Behind the Curtain. We are not in Oz, Beloved. We are Home, we are God, co-creating our Realities, either making them Heaven or Hell on earth. Are we ready to Choose to Live our lives, exercising Free Will to co-create Heaven on earth?

Beloved, Imagine – there is no father God “out there,” no Heaven “up in the sky,” no “escape” to a better place when we die. Can we not Tend to ourselves, our planet, while we are here? For if we believe this is just a temporary Hell from which to escape later, will we not Neglect our planet? Would not Tending to it seem futile, like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

Beloved, our ship is not sinking. We are not in steerage. We are just setting sail!

What about Jesus’ Second Coming?

We love Jesus. We believe Jesus was reincarnated many times, then finally reached Enlightenment, and was an enlightened master and teacher. Of course, he was not the only one. Jesus taught about karma and reincarnation. And is not the reference to the Second Coming an overt recognition of reincarnation by traditional Christians? For a fascinating read about historical Jesus and the evidence behind him surviving the crucifixion and living in India, read Jesus Lived in India (on the sidebar on the left). Buddhist monks still follow the signs to find the next reincarnated Lama. Could not the Three Wise Men have been following the same practice?

East and West can be reconciled, Beloved. That is what the Reformation offers—dissolving the Illusion of Separation. The Separation between you and me, between us and God, between religions, between races, between genders. Do you think you do not have that Christ consciousness within you, Beloved? Do you not Believe that Christ (or your prophets, guides, masters) wish only for your Peace and Enlightenment? Why do you make yourself Small?

I am an atheist. This is all a bunch of mildly amusing lesser thinking. I do not need the “crutch” of religion. Everything can be explained by logic and science, not by this mushy, new-agey babble. I am embarrassed for you.

Beloved, there’s nothing I like better than inducing a cringefest. Methinks you doth protest too much. I regret to inform you that your thinking is outmoded, Beloved. Like East and West, Science and Religion can be reconciled. The image of illusory Separation dissolves when we shine upon it the Light of Experiential Knowledge. I know how preciously you cling to your Logic. You are invited to stick around; you may surprise yourself by finding the logic encapsulating the Beauty and Truth of our Church airtight. 

Are you a heretic?

If by “heretic” you mean experiencing God directly, without the “benefit” of the interpretive assistance from an organized church or religion, yes. Ours is a very disorganized religion, I am proud to announce.

If heresy is good enough for Joan of Arc, it is good enough for me. Except for the burning at the stake thing. And the leading of France's armies as a teenager thing. On the other hand, the voices in my head are telling me France needs a little help right now. . .

I just can’t think of any more questions, but I think I Love you. I bow at your feet and worship you. How can anyone be so intelligent, but also so beautiful, and cool, and perfect as you? Can I give you all of my money and possessions, be your sex slave and go out and hand out Church of Connectivity tracts, and offer Testimony and Bear Witness to the Good Word, especially to the Heathens?

Beloved, I know, I know. It is a Burden to be Me. To answer your questions, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. Although I believe you are God and equal to me, if you Choose to grovel before me, I will Honor your Choice. That is all for now.

* If you Belong to a Church that Bestows upon you naught but Joy and Community, please remember that the irRev. is often Resplendently full of Excrement and truly Honors your Path.

Comments

[Pops]

If you're not prepared to lead the armies of France as a teenager, then you're not prepared, period. Voices in your head are a nice start, but if it were me, if it didn't all end in flames, I would consider myself a failure in this sort of endeavor.

[Jayne]

Pops: Ah, perhaps such will be the Fiery Fate of a Failed Writer. You will be missed. I will dance at your Canon(ization) Ball, and not on your grave.

[Jas...]

Hey now, remember what we discussed about my deaconship! (Especially my cut of the tithe)

[Popeye]

Hey, can the voices in my head have play date with the voices in your head? We can watch them play while eating a peanut butter sandwich. Or drink whisky. Whatever.

[zenboy99]

Dearest irRev -

I do so wanna join your church. I truly aspire to the second coming, though, with age, it becomes increasingly more difficult.

[Neena and Dongeek]

We, as fully recovered mormons, currently practicing agnostics, wish to become members of your church. A few questions first (not covered in your FAQ's):
1. Are there secret handshakes? (It really doesn't matter but it would be cool).
2. How much is the tithe? (for club mormon, 10% and you're in). BTW, 10% is WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH.
3. How long are the meetings? I had a friend who went 'shopping' for a religion and one of his requirements was that meetings lasted no longer than 1/2 hour and provided coffee and donuts. (They eventually became buddhists so I think he found that point negotiable. Nevertheless, I love the idea of church shopping...)
4. Do you perform wedding ceremonies?

[Jayne]

Jas: I will neither Admit nor Deny any Favors.

Popeye: You're on! Though I much prefer the word "and" to "or." Peanut butter and whisky, if you please.

Zenboy: Welcome, Brother! I was waiting for someone to bring that up. . .

Neena and Dongeek: What, you Dare pose Real questions to the irRev? Okay.

1. Yes.

2. The tithe is a sliding scale, inversely proportional to your IQ. Send me your scores and I will let you know.

3. The meetings last only as long as your Eyes are upon My Pages, your Mind is engaged in Inquiry, and your Heart is Filled with Love for fellow Humanity and Me. So what's that, less than 10 minutes a day? That's not too shabby!

4. Actually, I would love to do that one day! The whole reason I became a Reverend (with the Universal Life Church--anyone can do it, you can even do this online. . .) was because a friend asked me to officiate at her wedding. Then she decided to have her uncle do it. Whatever.

[Theresa]

The Love Goddess is pleased to offer a blessing,

May your IrReverence spread her message throughout the land, infecting those who would be strengthened by it's connective levity.

XOXO

[Edge]

Do I have to go to anything resembling confession? I love to speak of my sexual history but really don't seek forgiveness. I just want more history. Will I be shunned for participating in light bondage? Understand though, I don't wish to be tithed up. I'm more the tier upper type.

[Jayne]

Theresa: The irRev. is Honored to have the Love Goddess' attendance and Blessing. Anyone who also refers to herself in the third person with a fancy title is the cat's meow in Jayne's book!

Edge: I forgive you. Unless you stop confessing (and creating) your sexual history. That is Unforgivable; not sure the consequences (we wing it around here--like I said, it's a very disorganized religion) but I'm sure I would be fit to be tied if you were to do such a thing.

[ty]

"Why, because I have a Blog, of course. That fact alone makes me brilliant, authoritative, Holy and wise."

brilliant!!

[blazngfyre]

WTF????
I commented on this yesterday ..... where in the name of ALL that is holy is my MOTHERHUMPING COMMENT?????

????????

[Jayne]

Ty: Kinda hit the nail on the head, huh? : )

B-fyre: Hold on, hold on. Quick! - someone throw a little icy-cold Holy water on this steamy sister!

God is testing you, Beloved. Please have Patience and re-post your comment. I want to read it and post a Snarky reply. That's what I live for. Sick, I know. . .

[Bugg]

i find your church talk totally sinful, not to mention blasphemous! which is of course, why i totally love it. so glad you love the church sign generator as much as i do. preach on sister!

[Tiger]

*laughing*...
that get your own church sign idea is awesome!! :)

[Jayne]

Bugg: Thanks for appreciating the sick humor around here, and for the tip on your site, that is too funny!

Tiger: I know, that shit will NEVER get old. : )

[Shephard]

Enjoyed this. ;) ~S

[WHAK'd]

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