How to be a Blogging Loser

As my Christmas gift to you, I present a list of 25 things you can do to be the best loser blogger possible! I've been doing this for what, three months now? So I'm an expert.

1. Be deluded enough to think that anyone gives a squirrel's nut what you think about ANYTHING.
2. Care deeply that nobody cares what you think. (No. 1 and 2 "borrowed" from Pops' hysterical So You Want to be a Blogger post)
3. NEVER give attribution to other bloggers with a link back to the original work; you should pass off all good ideas as your own! Nobody will ever be the wiser.
4. Obsess over stats and numbers, and whine when you don't have enough readers.
5. Post suggestive pictures of yourself or personal sexual details and expect to be taken seriously.
6. If someone comments or e-mails you on how much they love your blog, assume that person is your new best friend.
7. Add all your new best friends to your blogroll and share all kinds of intimate information with them.
8. Post lots of identifying information about yourself, the more the better -- where you live, your real name, where you work, etc.
9. Badmouth other bloggers, with links to their sites. Blogs are personal and WARFARE is the only appropriate response when someone offends you.
10. Say stupid things in passing about family members and friends who read your blog, because it is always worth it to get a cheap laugh from strangers than ruin a real life relationship!
11. Publish on the most public forum ever invented while keeping your comment function active, then insist that your expression is only for yourself.
12. Have NOTHING to say. Um, here's a picture of a frog. Discuss amongst yourselves. Anyone?
13. Post maybe once a month.
14. Have most of your posts be "memes" and "tag" everyone with them. Everyone loves this.
15. Write mostly about how cute your kids are.
16. Be THIN-SKINNED! Understand that EVERY passing reference in another person's blog or in your comments section to something you disagree with is a personal attack on you and respond appropriately. See No. 9, above.
17. In the comments section, forget matching the tone or addressing the content of the post; instead, comment only about yourself or make a lame joke.
18. Better yet, put in a completely irrelevant spam comment linking back to your own blog.
19. Take yourself and other bloggers very seriously and neglect most every aspect of your real life.
20. Make mostly sexually suggestive comments directed towards the blogger on a non-sex blog.
21. Be a humorless, strident bitch/asshole. And a hypocrite.
22. Alienate most of your blogging buddies by pointing out something they do that annoys you.
23. Insist on writing about cringe-inducing subjects nobody wants to hear about, like your personal spiritual experiences.
24. Repeatedly beg and whine for someone to add you to their blogroll.
25. Follow all advice, usually found in authoritative lists written by other bloggers.

Yes, as anyone who has been reading Jayne Says for a little while knows, I have committed many of the above "crimes" and have learned the hard way by being a terrific blogging loser. Yay for me, I win! Anyone care to add to the list?

Comments

[Shephard]

This list is so complete as it is. What else wrong can someone do, lol... unless you piss off Fidel Castro and start a war with Cuba?

#5... and now you know exactly why I never do that. (lol). Yeah. That's it. ~S

[Pops]

So you promise a picture of a frog and then... no frog? Tease.

I appreciate the props on #1 and #2, only to be eviscerated on #17. Touché, mi amiga. Zehr touché.

[Jayne]

Shephard: Ooh, I think you're onto something! Cuban cigars are overrated, don't you think? And Buena Vista Social Club? Meh. And that silly beard? (Do you think he's listening?) : )

Pops: You know you are mon favorite seau, Papi. Nein pen-day-ho. Except, you know, when you roll around and revel in #17. THIN SKINNED am I. No frog for you.

[Larry Jones]

15a - Write mostly about how cute your cats are.

[Theresa]

Good list. Saw myself in there a couple times *cringe*. We learn as we go.
Does it really bother you when I make sexually suggestive comments directed towards you on your non-sex blog? Come-on, Babe! You're just so HOT!

[Theresa]

How about people who leave 3 or 4 comments, one after the other, about the same post, because they keep thinking of more things they want to say.

[Theresa]

I mean it, you really are a hottie!

[Theresa]

Oh, the reason I stopped by was to wish you a Merry Christmas!
Merry - Merry!

[Jayne]

Larry: I'm a little torn on that one, let me think about it. . . Okay, not MOSTLY, but people can still write about how cute their cats (and kids, and spouse/partners) are, but please, moderation, people! You saw the pictures of my little Jett in the Xmas tree, right? Awwwwww. . .

Theresa: You, cringe? I wrote this basically as a list of confessions. . . And the more comments, the better! And I should have said UNWELCOME sexual/suggestive comments, you hot chik you! Merry - Merry right back atcha! ; )

[Mad Munkey]

At what point do we quit writing blogs for ourselves and try to write for our readership? I hate it when I catch myself doing that, but I still post them. Damn... Great list.

[polyman2]

I'm new at all this.
I feel like
I'm in school again.
But this time
I'm ready to learn-
teach on...

[Jayne]

Mad Munkey: Hey there, thanks for stopping in! Your comment made me think and responded in today's post (Clean and True) so thanks for the question and making me think and blog fodder for the day. I would like to hear more of your thoughts on the subject.

Polyman2: Hi, welcome! I'm in school, also, so I hope you can teach me, too. . .

[ALL: If I revise this list later, remind me to add filling up the comment sections with "in-jokes" to discourage new readers from commenting [like my comment to Pops, about being a "pen-day-ho" which was a reference to one of his posts] and all kinds of "rules" for blogging at work]