A Heartbeat Away

Most straight men have no idea how quickly a straight woman can "turn" lesbian. Adam Corolla ranted about this a few years ago on Loveline; he went off on some teenage guy who wasn't treating his girlfriend well and said something like, "Don't you know that you're ruining it for the rest of us? Don't you know how quickly they can turn and never come back, you doofus?"

I'm telling you, women's sexuality is a fickle bitch. Last week, I got in touch with my inner gay man. Today, I'm in touch with my Inner Lesbian. My IL is a lot like Joan Jett.

Don't get me wrong, I love many straight men, including my husband. I think we ask a lot of our men, and many have to struggle through life to come into their own without adequate role models or support on how to be decent and compassionate.

[Dilbert Cartoonist Scott Adams is trying to add his awkward acronym BOCTAOE ("but of course there are obvious exceptions") to the American lexicon. So just tack on a BOCTAOE to this post, 'mkay? For Dilbert and your Auntie Jayne?]

Don't shoot the messenger. I'm telling you, look around, read the comments, read posts like Stella's, asking women whose pussy they would eat. It's only a matter of time.

Here are 5 highly empirical reasons why a huge number of straight women are a heartbeat away from going the gay way:

1. Statistics show that at least one in every three women has been or will be the victim of sexual abuse or attack by a man in her lifetime. Many of these women will get the therapy or treatment they need, or just "get over it" on their own but still, that leaves maybe what . . . 20 - 25% of straight women (and remember, 10% of the population is already gay) with unresolved, seething rage, resentment and contempt towards men. Mostly boiling right under a deceptively placid surface.

2. Newsflash for straight men: one in every three women secretly (or not so secretly) hates your guts. But it's usually not personal, so that's a bonus. Some other doofus messed things up a while ago.

3. You know how sexualized our culture is, how women in our culture are objectified and viewed as sex objects? Well, women grow up with those same images . . . so both men and women lust after sexy women. BOCTAOE (Jake G., Exh. A.)

4. Many men have become complacent. They aren't reading the signs. Women in this country are marrying later (if at all) and having fewer children. We are earning more money, having successful careers and have strong buying power and political clout. We are better educated and sexually liberated. All we ask is that you keep up and don't get lazy on us.   

5. When we are upset, inconsolable, to whom do we women turn for comfort? Our girlfriends. See, "girlfriends." So natural to say.

There you have it. However, straight men: there's still a chance. You could still rally and not ruin it for all the other guys who want and deserve a good woman in their lives. As long as you understand how tenuous that gossamer thread is that keeps a woman straight; once it snaps, there's no turning back.

So buy your woman flowers. Listen to her without trying to "fix" her. Make plans (all on your own!) to take her out for a surprise dinner. Women want to feel cherished.  It really is the little things. I'm not talking about spending a lot of money, just spending some thought. If you want hot sex . . . clean the house yourself, take care of your own business, don't treat her like "Mommy" because Mommy needs a man, not a child, to meet her as an equal.

Otherwise? We might switch teams, just like that. And guess what? We might not invite you to watch.

And me? Well, if things ever go south with The Pilot, I'm flying south solo . . . one-way ticket to the Isle of Lesbos. First order of business? Getting certified in muff diving.

Am I right or am I right?

Comments

[tiger]

...you are SO utterly and completely right.

the bit about want hot sex-->clean the house yourself--don't treat her like Mommy?

Oh my GOD. That was my evening last night!!!! Are you in my head??
:)
Thanks for writing this... today especially.

[Amethyst Rising]

Absolutely and without a doubt correct. I have on occasion when listening to big-ego-small-mind men talking about lesbians told them that they are the reason that so many women "convert" later in life... Men are assholes, pure and simple.

[Hill]

Though I couldn't find it in my heart to comment on Stella's post, I feel I must comment here, as I have recently struggled with/ posted about/ moaned to my "girlfriends" regarding man's general lack of a romantic clue.

I have only once, ever, had real feelings of a Lesbian nature, and though they were strong, I doubt they would have taken me as fare as... "SOUTH". Honestly, I cannot imagine it.

HOWEVER, I will say that men ARE in very real danger of no longer being needed by women for all of the reasons you have so eloquently listed as well as this one last, glaringly obvious one: The Vibrator. (Or "neck massager" for those too faint of heart to venture into the adult superstore.)

How do you think Brookstone has stayed in business, for Christ's sake?!?! Do men really think that automatic coin counters and clock/compass combos are really THAT hot??

I mean, seriously...

[SmartBlkWoman]

Jayne I so agree with you. In fact I have almost reached my tipping point with a-hole and the next one that breaks my heart might just push me over the edge. I think that I will always be attracted to men however and thus will just have to spend the rest of my life single and celibate because I don't trust them.

Sad but true.

[stella]

I just brought this up over dinner with Hill and the Cannon the other night.

My theory:

There is a revolution going on RIGHT NOW. Gender stereotypes are almost negligible these days. Not only are women beginning to gain foothold in a male dominated business world, they are making the dollars and fucking kick ass at. It might be awhile before we see a woman leading our country, but I think we are heading in the right direction. We are having to look at eachother now not only at the office, but at home in a different way. Women aren't looking for a man to bring a paycheck home anymore. Men are having to bring more to the table. We need partners....not 'providers'. We need team mates. I think we are all having to become more 'marketable'. Women are wearing the pants, and men are having to 'connect' with their 'sense and sensibilities'. ha.

its rough isn't it. i love it.

I read an article where this woman suggested that one day we would no longer 'need' men at all. That the only thing keeping men around (from an evolutionary standpoint) was providing sperm. She was suggesting at some point we would figure out how to mass produce it, and get rid of the man. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Now thats just mean. With that said, I still don't think I could ever get used to munching carpet. no thanks. I'll take penis for $500 alex.

~s

[Jayne]

Tiger: Yes, I was in your head, sorry for the trespass! I think we've all been there. . .

Amethyst: BOCTAOE ; )

Hill: Well, you're young and a newlywed . . . talk to me in 5 years ; ) And shhh, don't let on that many of us don't have the courage to go. . . there. . . but good call on adding reason # 6, that adds a whole new vibe to the post. Har har.

SBW: See, see what I'm talking about?! Sigh.

[stella]

btw. have you read any of the book?

[knq]

Looks like January is Become a Lesbian Month (or just visit the camp)! I'm with you - just last night (after watching SATC) I told my dh, I'm going to the Sharper Image and getting a "neck massager." And I still believe (deep deeeeeeep down - don't tell anyone) that if I ever met the RIGHT girl, I'd be moving permanently to the other side.

Based on my experience *ahem*, lesbian relationships can be and are just as complicated, in fact, perhaps more so due to the increased combination of estrogen. And you still have the dichotomy of man/woman (if you will) with femme/butch deal. BUT, I still say even the butchiest chick is more romantic than your average male.

[Jayne]

Stella: That's too funny! I don't like to argue evolution or biology too much with gender relations, I guess I'm more interested in the sociological aspects. I think we all "need" one another, but I totally agree that the rules/game/landscape (pick your metaphor . . .) have changed and not everyone has adaped well. (And I'll have to throw in here that there are plenty of women clinging to old tired gender stereotypes, too.)

And about carpet munching? Maybe it's an aquired taste. I used to hate sushi and now I mmmmmmmmunch it up! ; P

[Jayne]

Stella: Just started last night! Damn these simultaneous comments!

knq: Shhhh, your secret's safe with me (and the meeeeeellions of Jayne Says readers) "experience," hm? I need to go read some more of your blog ; )

[Shephard]

Oh, Jayne... I have to send you a song that addresses this post. Funny. hee hee. ;) Personally, I can't wait til more women are in power. Sign me up.
~S

[T]

Why do I get the feeling that anything I say in regards to this post will end up with me chained up in the bowels of a boat, rowing to the beat of a drum as we transport a certain lovely mistress o' blog to the above mentioned island?

Not that I think that would be a bad job...

:)
-T

[Edge]

sexism, like racism, classism, and all the other isms is full of broad (heh) sweeping generalizations, stereotyping, anger and fear. I have met many people of poor character, mean people, people you couldn't trust, bad people. Some of them have been women. Shitbirds of varying hues and sexual bent, faithful and heathen. I have known many an asshole man and many a good one. I have encountered women who certainly came straight from hell and hopefully will return from whence they came. But I love people, especially women, that being my sexual preference, is, has been, always will be. I have been blessed with the company of some of the most amazing women on the planet, no small number right here in oz. I have been treated horrendously at times in my past and never did I consider giving up on the fairer sex or switching my preference. I have no problem with same sex relaionships, male or female. It just isn't me. Speaking of butch though, I do wonder, how do you justify hating men and then working so hard to look, talk, and act like one? Just wondered.

Maybe it's as simple as if you aren't happy with what you've got you haven't got what's right for you. I'm older than all of you and I can't provide you with the wisdom of an answer. I just know the isms when I see em. Fuckabunchaisms

[Princess]

Right Right Right. My thumb is in the air and I have the phone up to my ear.

Princess!

[Hill]

"fuckabunchaisms"...

OMFG, I love that man. LMAO.

[V]

But of course! It's just natural. Women give each other everything, so when the men lag behind......
Better keep up, guys! Better keep up. Especially you homophobes out there because you're only going to be left with each other if you dont shape up!

[Melissa]

Totally right. I've been to the Isle of Lesbos, and it is a wonderful place to visit. I've enjoyed it immensely every time I've gone there. Just saying...

[Jayne]

Shephard: Funny song!

T: Your groveling is appeasing me somewhat, thank you.

Edge: I had a feeling you'd stop by for this one : ) I love people, too. This was not a male bashing post . . . and isms are terrible. I think sexism is the root cause of the rape, molest, harassment and other mistreatment that men perpetuate on women and cause many women to eventually mistrust and give up on men. Like I said, don't shoot the messanger. . . and as for "butch" I know when I'm wearing my black combat boots and baggy dark clothes and fierce attitude sometimes, it's not that I want to look like a "man" at all, it's that I DON'T want to look . . . vulnerable, sexy. I don't want male attention. Sometimes, I just don't want to be looked at "that way." And sometimes I do. So there. But I always love your opinions.

Princess: Word.

V: You understand I'm trying to do a public service here, for the wonderful straight men in the world. Sigh.

Hill: : )

Melissa: Hmmm, so maybe I just need a vacation and not full emigration? Have I mentioned how very fine you are? ; )

[knq]

I think of gender sexuality as a continuum (as do a lot of g/s theorists). They aren't mutually exclusive. You can be 80% straight and engage in some "homosexual" interactions. Or vice versa. You get my drift. The LGBT labels are for those who completely identify with that culture. Okay, enough of my intellectual researcher stuff.

[Jayne]

knq: So I've heard! I'm quite comfortable with the concept of myself as a shifting continuum. Thanks for sharing your insight : )

[dongeek]

cmon jayne. Girls kiss cuz boyz like it.

[Jayne]

Don: Your comment was like a megadose of Vitamin Gay. I am so much closer now. ; )