As Usual, I Worried for Nothing

I spent several hours with my biological dad yesterday and it was . . . nice. He was genuinely touched that we drove out there. We helped prepare food and chatted with his friends. No other family members attended. His friends were fine. There's a certain "type" of well-off Northern California aging former hippie and the room was full of them.

We looked at his old pictures, there were a few of my brother and me in there that I had never seen. I have in one of my photo albums a goofy picture of my brother and me with our faces painted. I am about 3 and very happy. My brother is about 5, with long hair. My father had more of those pictures from that day that I had not seen, and he is there with his face painted, too, laughing. Funny how different photos, like different perspectives, can sometimes complete a picture, a snapshot in time.

Just a few awkward moments. A few people who had known M for 25 years showing visible surprise (quickly hidden) that he had children.

My referring to my mom and dad, er I mean "step-dad" and what they are doing these days.

Other than that it was a pleasant day. I need to stop with the anxious worrying, dread and stress over future events. Things usually turn out just fine.

Writer/educator Parker Palmer (I have one of his books in my sidebar, he is brilliant) was on NPR talking about the meaning of life as I drove home. He was saying that life in itself is good. That once we appreciate everything, and really feel grateful (for getting up in the morning, for a child's smile, a beautiful day, a good meal, etc.) we can be happy. Nothing else really matters. This understanding usually comes about after tragedy (depression, illness, loss) but can also come about from living a contemplative life.

My father hugged me, his eyes shining a bit as we bid goodbye. He told me how much it meant to him that we came out there for his birthday. His sincere expression of gratitude, in his eyes, voice and touch, loosened and freed something in me.

I am thinking about getting a tattoo or several to remind me about gratitude. I seem to forget about this way too much. It is the best gift we can give one another.

Comments

[The Pilot]

Seeing as how your maternal and paternal grandfathers are 80+ and 90+, you should be grateful for good genes. You'll probably have a chance to make up for the last Millenium Party.

Sorry I had to leave before the pictures...

-T

[Antonio]

Do you remember the name of the show Parker Palmer was on?
I'm trying to find the podcast (if there is one).
Thanks.

[Amethyst Rising]

I met my biological father when i was 23... We were like two peas in a pod, finishing each others sentences, our likes were almost identical... But he disowned me when I dated a black man... *sigh*... I miss my dad...

[Popeye]

Hm, this is interesting to me. For me, gratitude and fear frequently seem to mirror each other. Hm, I think I have a post for today.

[Jayne]

Pilot: Oh, I am grateful for my good genes! Thanks : )

Antonio: I think the npr program was "Speaking of Faith" - they don't have Sunday's program up on their website yet http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/ I'll keep checking.

Amethyst: That is so sad about him disowning you. Is he still alive? Is there time for reconciliation?

Popeye: Wow, I can't wait to read it.

[steve]

Yes, I believe life is its own purpose.
Your story is interesting. a friend of mine, recently renewed acquaintance with a long abscent father, and was totally disappointed by the whole experience.

[Shephard]

Jayne, I have been thinking about this a lot as well, happiness being born from real gratitude for the things that matter most, the things we often take for granted. Great post. Glad you had such a nice experience with your bio dad.

~S

[Hill]

It's funny. When clicked on your blog today I thought to yself, "did I comment on her last entry? I meant to."

I have exactly the same experience every time I see my biological father, though for slightly diffrent reasons. In fact, my wedding was the first time I had seen him in about five years and one week prior the first time we had spoken in just as long.

Anyway, it was also not as bad as I had feared and I always think to myself that I need to put forth more of an effort to develop that relationship. But it's a hard habit to break, NOT havng someone in your life, isn't it?

Well, I am glad it worked out and that you've been inspired into body art. Well done, Miss Jayne!!

[Jayne]

Steve: That's too bad about your friend but I had a similar feeling 20 years ago, I had built it up only to be let down. Now I live (more) in reality and see him as just a person, not a fictionalized character (good or evil) with any hold over me. Anyway, thanks for coming by.

Shephard: Thank you so much for your support. I am not exactly awash with gratitude . . . but I am beginning to see how important it is and how I need to integrate it into my life more and more consciously.

Hill: "But it's a hard habit to break, NOT havng someone in your life, isn't it?" I love that, too true. It's hard to know how much effort to put out, on what occasions, in what ways, huh? Glad you're there with me on this one : )

[Todd Elliott]

Glad it worked out. Tattoos? Do you have some now? Pictures? I've been thinking about getting one on my back.