I am dreading this

I have probably seen my biological dad ten times since I was two years old. Every few years and then some.

He sent me a $100 bill for my birthday in April. To my old address. When I was a teenager, he called my mother to ask when our birthdays were. Ouch. I always wonder why she told me that.

They were hippies, back in the day. Peace and love. Seems he wanted more free love with more groovy people than she really dug, man. My brother was born in the Summer of Love, 1967. 1969 must have been the Winter of Love, because that's when I was born and my father began to take off.

My mother always called him "Peter Pan." My grandfather hated him. My grandmother calls him a "funny little man."

Growing up, I idealized him. He was (and still is) a sensitive, quirky, brilliant artist. He's a semi-famous, "name" craftsman and I am proud of his work.

I blamed my mother for not working things out with him. But almost exactly 20 years ago, I attended his 40th birthday party. And hung out with him and saw him as, realized he was, . . . just a man. A human. A flawed, but decent guy with no power over me. The spell was broken.

Since then, although I don't know where to "put" him in my mind and heart (he didn't raise me; I think of my step-father as my "Dad") we are still connected, albeit tenuously. He came to my wedding but didn't walk me down the aisle.

My brother and I are his only children. He has two grandchildren now. I don't know how many times he has seen them . . . twice, three times? He was not invited to my brother's wedding. He expresses his regret and shame. He seems filled with self-loathing at times.

Tomorrow, he is having his 60th birthday party, a BBQ. I just sent an e-mail confirming my attendance. T is such a wonderful buffer; they can bond over making things. T created his website and online gallery.

So I'll drive down to the Bay Area and try not to drink too much to mask my social discomfort. Our relationship is not "easy." I can fake social comfort and ease; I can schmooze with just about anyone. But I certainly didn't inherit that from him.

Some of my aunts, uncles and cousins and maybe even my grandfather (I don't even know if he is still alive, how sad is that?) will be there.

And part of me -- the vain, petty, shallow part -- wants to go because I am tall, thin, (now) pretty, charming, successful and confident (as far as they know) and I want to show them all that I've changed since I was a chubby, awkward teenager (when many of them last saw me) and that they can all go to Hell and live with a wistful regret that I am not in their lives.

So . . . evolved and compassionate of me, I know. I am just conflicted, okay?

Happy 60th, M. For your birthday, you get my ambivalence and my presence. Which are both pretty damn generous, considering.

Comments

[Theresa]

One of the things I treasure about you is your self-awareness and honesty.
I hope the day goes well for you.

[caroline]

chica, sometimes healing comes before forgiveness which comes before compassion. and the forgiveness might be of yourself, first, before him. safe journey and may you and the Pilot find some laughter in it.

[Antonio]

Yeah. SIGH.

I've seen mine twice. He has no place in my life, and I can't honestly say that I feel as if I'm missing anything.
I simply don't. There was never anything there to miss now.

BTW, if you and your husband are going to be in the Bay Area, send an email my way. Maybe we can get together for beers or some such here in SF.

[Todd Elliott]

Good luck. Just take it as one of those opportunities to get the best out of a weird situation. Maybe forget about all the things that happened before, and really try to connect. Or, you could just drink a lot and leave early.

[Popeye]

I find it difficult to explain how sure I am you're going to be just fine. Humanity is a good thing.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

It's good of you to go. I'm not sure I could or would.

[SBW]

I know the feeling. I grew up without my mother and our relationship easily becomes strained, particularly when she tries be a "mother" after having not raised me.

I want to say something witty and true all at the same time but caroline said it so much better than I. :)

[Shephard]

Jayne ~ I can relate. Thinking of you, sending good thoughts.
~S

[Jayne]

Everyone: Thank you so much for your thoughts, they mean so much to me. Theresa - hm, those are traits I treasure in you, too! Antonio - maybe next time I'm on a more extended Bay Area visit! One is long overdue. MU - your post about your dad gripped my heart for days and days. Popeye - of course you were right.

[Edge]

here late, but I am so proud of you, and knowing you up close and personal makes me even prouder.
Nevada, camping? And I am not included for what reason?

[Jayne]

Edge: Hey, thanks. It was one of those dread but suck up and do and then realize there was nothing to worry about kind of deals, you know? Of course you can come out to Nevada to go camping! It is just a crappy little town that happens to be halfway between Cedar City Utah and No. California that has some bike trails and hot springs. Austin Nevada the weekend of the 22nd, check it out.