Jayne Says

Blog? What Blog?

I seem to have lost interest in this medium. Fickle bitch, me --  I know. I am going away for a while. Not officially shutting down shop, but I honestly have nothing new to say. No engrossing stories, no new insights, no political rants, no . . . need to express. Strange. But good.

If this feeling persists over the next month or so, I will officially say goodbye. I will still be reading your blogs and am so grateful for all of the wonderful people I have met here!

Immodest Mouse

Any of us can indulge in self-congratulatory fantasies about how courageous we will be when crisis hits. It is only when actually faced with danger -- a charging elephant, enemy fire, a blind date gone awry -- that we can truly know of what substance we are made. Hero or coward, (wo)man or mouse?

Having now survived a laser beam trained on my legs and pink parts, I can now walk a little taller, knowing how courageous I am. Braver, smoother . . . poorer.

Paying the Rent with their Rock

I wish I had something more substantial to share, but I'm hoping if I purge my current superficialities here, I can move on. First, The Pilot got me the soundtrack to Tenacious D, the Pick of Destiny. I enjoyed the movie (which you can't take too seriously or soberly) and love the lyrics. We have listened to it over and over.

Here's a little clip from the movie, with Jack Black and Kyle Gass in JB's dream, singing a song called Master Exploder. Why do I love Jack Black so? I think it's because of his infectious creativity, bravery and silliness. He seems so completely un-self-conscious. I would love to be that free! And, Dude, the eyeliner:

Also, I got hooked on Grey''s Anatomy the past few months, renting the disks for the first two seasons. I started watching because three people in a row told me I looked like Ellen Pompeo and I had no idea who she was and wanted to see. She's this tiny little thing, but I do like her character and I got sucked into that show. (And I will be forever grateful to Ms. Pompeo for replacing Cheers-era Kirstie Alley as the person I always used to remind others of!)

The other thoughts preoccupying my mind include laser hair removal, eyebrow waxing and a cool combo hair dryer-brush I just got. Yeah. Vapid is as vapid does, Forrest. We'll save the world tomorrow, okay? But while rocking out, with cute hair.

Epiphany

I have not really stopped moving, other than to be sick (or "exercising my immune system," rather) for the past few weeks. I am in another town, again, today. We had a lovely time in Utah, but endured a whole lot of driving.

Two weeks ago, whilst in San Francisco, I met up with a colleague and friend of mine. She mentioned how several people I work with think of me as blunt, intimidating or otherwise unpleasant. When she said this, I experienced a moment of gripping panic, of disapproval, of wanting to scramble to make it up to these people, prove myself likable.

But that moment, that feeling of a bad child needing approval from some perceived authority figures, suddenly cleared. I felt at peace, I relaxed and smiled at my friend. I changed the topic. I actually finally don't care if people (namely opposing counsel) don't like me. Seriously. My clients like me and pay me well to be an intimidating, blunt, bitch who wins for them.

I know many people learn this lesson early on, in grade school -- that it's okay if not everyone likes me. I guess I'm a late bloomer but it really is liberating for me to be free of caring about that. This is a big deal for me, a breakthrough. No matter what stance you take, how diplomatically and compassionately you try to live your life, somebody, somewhere will be unhappy with your choices.

They won't like the way you look, what you wear, your chosen profession, the words you choose, your partner, the food you eat, the music you enjoy, your vices of choice, or, you know, the dozens of intimidating letters you keep sending, demanding justice.

Fuck them all, my dears. Love yourself, live boldly, take a stand, speak out, be strong and dance a little. Dance a lot.

(I am not blognoring you, really. I will catch up soon.)