Jayne Says

Labor (of Love) Day

Yesterday was my one year blogiversary. I wonder how many hundreds of pages I have written here--and why I didn't instead write a book or finish a screenplay?! Probably because I wouldn't have written a word if I didn't think someone would be reading it and providing feedback. This blogging experience has certainly compelled me to write. Not always well or well-conceived, but I have been writing nonetheless, so I thank you for that.

This has been an intense, wonderful year. I started out in blogging because I felt generally compelled to express. Also, though, I felt I had a "message" to "teach" and I would "build" an "audience" for such message.

HA! I have learned I have no message, I don't care enough to do the work it takes to build and market my site, and that everyone is my teacher. I kind of prefer the scenario where I'm the charismatic cult leader and my readers are the glassy-eyed, obedient, adoring followers, but I'll roll with reality for now.

12 other things I have learned about blogging over the past year:

• Just because someone comments on your blog, that doesn't mean you are friends.
• You can and most likely will create enduring friendships that start with a comment on a blog.
• Paragraph breaks can make or break a blog (for me, reading-wise.)
• No matter how terminally unique you think you or your problems are, you can usually take comfort in knowing there are many others enduring a similar ordeal.
• Except sometimes, you're just terminally unique and terribly, terribly alone. But that's okay.
• It is possible to take your blog (and yourself) too seriously. It is best not to.
• People who identify themselves too clearly on their blogs and go on to write things they don't want people in their lives to read usually regret it.
• Just because you are excited and proud of yourself for starting a blog, does not mean your friends or families will be. And even if they are, you might regret telling them about it. Because then you will never know who is lurking, it is unnerving (and you might offend someone. I learned this the hard way). Keep it to a few close friends and don't be insulted if they aren't blog people and don't keep up with reading your precious words.
• You might get more comments by posting scantily-clad pictures of yourself, but you won't get more respect and a readership that gets what you want to write. There are exceptions.
• It can be so easy to get sucked into living online and forgetting to get outside, connect with the people in your life, perform the work you are paid to perform. Balance is key.
• You can't really trust anyone you meet online. Until you do.
• This medium is under-used as the world-changing force it could be.

10 things I learned about myself this past year:

• I could be a professional starter. As in projects. I can get anything off the ground.
• It's the follow-through that fucks me.
• In order to be happy, I really need to pay attention to and take care of my health and body.
• And make an effort to connect with those I love.
• And get out there, take risks and LIVE.
• And make an effort to be kind to everyone I encounter.
• And take responsibility for the impact my living has on the planet.
• Not just think "deep thoughts."
• I always thought my natural tendencies were to be a little bit lazy, mean and self-absorbed. That may be true, but in studying brain psychology a bit more, I realized that is most of our tendencies; we just need some awareness and discipline to move beyond them.
• I have been unnecessarily intolerant of some belief systems, and perhaps too tolerant of others.

5 things I wish I hadn't heard over the past year:

• She has Parkinson's. Fuck.
• He has Parkinson's. Double-fuck.
• The check really should be in the mail.
• We want you to do the presentation.
• You are overdrawn. [Again.]

5 things that I didn't mind hearing so much this year:

• You look great!
• Are those real? You sure have big boobs for a skinny bitch. [Ah, thank you, Ruthie.]
• Can I see your ID?
• Petition for review to the California Supreme Court has been denied.
• If you come to Africa, I'll pay for half of your expenses.

So, given the above, I should probably add one bullet-point to my above list of things I learned about myself this year:

• Flattery, money and success make it all somehow bearable.

Somehow, I don't think that's THE LESSON I'm supposed to be learning or imparting here, but I need to save something for next year's blogiversary, no?

In the meanwhile, please tell me I'm pretty and that I'm doing well for my clients, who will pay me very soon. I'm sure the check is in the proverbial mail.

My Blogroll

I am sorry to do this in a post, but I am removing my long blogroll from my site to tidy things up and will substitute it with a link to this post.

I reserve the right to change my mind any time and to linkscape anyone who seems to have abandoned their own or my blog or I just have stopped enjoying.

2 Hot Chiks Say - This is mostly written by 1 Hot Chick, Theresa. I love her honesty, depth and playfulness. She is The Love Goddess.

Amethyst Says - In Prairie Dreams, Amethyst writes as a working wife and mother, trying to make her family's homesteading dreams in Kansas come true against all odds...and to make her family's "footprints" smaller on this planet... Without losing her positive attitude or sanity!

Bugg Says -In and then what happened, Bugg writes about her family and life observations, with wit and honesty. If Bugg and I had gone to high school together, we would have been friends and gotten into plenty of trouble together!

Caroline Says - I had the pleasure of meeting Caroline of Fiber Tribe and she is a fascinating person. She knits, dives, travels, writes, reads, cooks, and is knowledgeable on any topic you can imagine. She is a compassionate, intelligent person who loves life and adventure. Great photos, too!

Dick the Boomer Says - Dick in Afraid to Blink is funny, thoughtful and posts gorgeous photos. I love his optimism and artistic eye.

Edge Says - Another great writer (and all-around wonderful person) who I am so happy to have met and know as he meanders along Winding, Crooked Trials.

Erin Says - Author of Perishable Goods, one of the best writers I've encountered thus far in the blog world. Her sensitivity, insight and use of language floor me. I wish she posted more!

Funky Bug Says - Robin writes The Wisdom of Funky Bugs. I love Robin. She is direct, hilarious, honest, and an amazing photographer. She became somewhat of a blogging star, then recently pulled back a bit to focus more on her life and family. I hope she finds the balance she needs (and hope that includes posting more!)

Henry David Thorough Says -  HDT is a fellow Northern Californian. I like his politics, his spirituality, his love of nature, his loyalty to Labradors that he describes on Don't Let It Bring You Down. Great photos.

Hill With Socrates Says - I just love Hillary from . . . I Drank What? I have met her and she is as sparkly, fun, beautiful and sensitive as she seems from her blog.

Jaquandor Says - You really never know what will wash up on Byzantium's Shores. Jaquandor writes with humor, keen depth and a broad passion for many topics; he's not afraid to write about politics (yay!) and does so well. He is also a stand-up good guy who wears and advocates for the under-appreciated overalls.

Jeff Funk Says - in his Live Journal Blog, Jeff writes about his life in Fort Wayne Indiana. I have written about how much I love Jeff's witty, honest, delicious writing in my post Sometimes I Wish I Were a Gay Man

Kat(astrophe) Says - Kat is a friend of Stella's and Todd's and a burgeoning artist with a great sense of humor. Who needs to post more!

Kyle Stitch (Rogue Writing) Says - Kyle is a writer based out of the Rogue River area (Ashland, OR, one of my new favorite places!) who has an interesting, thoughtful blog.

Krista (The Silent K) Says - Mostly light and fluffy, like a nice mohair blend. Krista is so honest, creative, articulate, artistic and sensitive. I love her blog.

Laurie in Suburbia Says -  Laurie, not your average soccer mom, may be Stranded in Suburbia, but she is a Christian who raises hell. I love her rebel spirit, her deep spirituality, her politics and energy. A fellow Aries, what's not to love?

Melissa Says -  I am so in denial that Melissa, of This is it? Seriously? may have abandoned her blog. I love Melissa, she is a kindred to me and makes me think. Please come back, Melissa. No pressure.

Michael Baines Says - in Silly Humans, MB writes on a wide range of topics, from political to personal, to spiritual, and posts great cartoons.

Michele Agnew Says -  The lovely thing about being Michele is she's so damn good at it. Michele has a real participatory community blog that is lively and great fun. Go check her out!

Mother knq (Uncensored) Says - Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored is now a big name blogger, but I still adore her. Her combination of raw honesty with polished humorous writing and brilliant insights keeps me (and hundreds of others) hooked. 

Neena in Utah Says - In the Red Dirt of Utah - I felt I knew Neena from the moment I saw her blog. I now consider her a dear friend (and check out her other blog Eco-Foodie for great recipes!) Great photos from her adventures in Utah.

Popeye Says - . . . and hope and history rhyme. Popeye writes with such depth, beauty and understanding, I feel I know him though we have not met.

Pops Says - Pops' Bucket is mostly proudly full of lies, dick jokes and superficiality, but I just love Pops, I can't help it. The way his mind comes up with some of that stuff amazes me, and his mosh pit of a comment section can be fun once you get used to it. And every now and again you see a glimmer of humanity . . .

Shephard Says - Shubert Alley Shephard is my soul brother. He and I understand each other; in a world where each of us is "terminally unique," it is such a relief to know there are people who get you without explanation. Humor, compassion, creativity, wisdom . . . that's Shephard.

Scott Adams Says - Dilbert cartoon creator. His blog is provocative, I just love how he riles people up.

Skydancer Says - Where am I going & what is with this handbasket? A fun, thoughtful blog.

Smart Black Woman Says - In A Day in My Life, SBW combines the personal, social and political. She is honest, thoughtful and intelligent, traits I greatly admire.

Stella Says - In Finding Zen, Stella writes with such an engaging humor, humanity and energy, she always leaves you laughing and thinking. She is a good friend of Hillary and I feel like I know her.

Steve Pavlina Says - This is a WONDERFUL and motivating blog - a must read.

T.H. Elliott Says - In Philosophically Broken, Todd writes "a blog to discover the true meaning of Mom jokes, poo, and sex." Need I say more? Todd is great fun and a friend of Melissa, Stella and Kat.

Timethief Says - This Coyote is a shape-shifter, a sensitive, intelligent, non-conforming, fascinating kindred whom I always enjoy reading.

V Knits, Spells and Says - in Spells With . . ., V is "strung out on yarn" but this ain't your typical knitting blog. I love V's intelligence, honesty and humor. She needs to post more!

Wendy Says - Wendy's World is so positive and beautiful! She is so optimistic and posts gorgeous photos. I always feel refreshed after visiting her blog (when I'm not feeling jealous over her gardening skills.)

[7/17/06 EDIT - I have just added some more blogs - if you link to me and want to be on my blogroll, please drop me a line! I rarely check my stats any more, don't always know who is linking to me if you don't comment; 7/20 EDIT: I reintegrated my blogroll as I immediately wanted to add more and more of you to the "short list" 8/5 EDIT: I wrote these descriptions in somewhat of a hurry. If yours isn't accurate or sparkling enough, particularly for the blogs that are new to me, send me an e-mail with a better description, seriously!]

Just So You Know

If you are listed on my sidebar, I subscribe to your blog's feed through Bloglines, which if you haven't heard of this is a handy way to read blogs. In Bloglines, all the blogs you subscribe to are listed on the left, and it tells you if there are any new posts. You click on the new posts and they load in the right side frame.

I read every one of your posts this way, and only click on the blog itself to comment. I've been a sucky commenter lately. But I just wanted to let you know I read it all and take it all with me -- your funny stories, your pictures, your questions, your recipes, your turns of phrase, your victories, your disappointments, your cat pictures, all of it.

So even if I'm at a low point, I still read all your blogs a few times a week. And I love them, even when I don't have much or any feedback.

AND I still add a few now and then ~ like the lovely timethief, a kindred, please say hello to this new blogger! Remember how it was when you were just starting out, how lonely . . . go on, say hello!

Okay, that's all I can manage. On the health front, still feeling exhausted. My doctor is calling this "fatigue syndrome" for now and isn't very reassuring when she rattles off potential causes: chronic fatigue syndrome (may be viral), Lyme disease, MS, depression, bi-polar disorder, Lupus. Or maybe sleep apnea (not getting restorative sleep - I am a light sleeper).

I like my theory better (allergies, maybe a bit of depression, I'm prone to it). But they're doing all kinds of blood testing and I'm going to an allergist soon.

Y'all know I'm happiest fighting injustice. I need my energy back to do this! Luckily, none of us took Bush seriously about the anti-gay marriage Constitutional amendment. (Yeah, because that's what our country is all about, limiting civil rights and equality and increasing discrimination . . . )

Summary: you are loved, say hello to timethief, I am sick and tired, but determined to be well.

The Four Blogreements

Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements is one of my favorite books. My friend Tree recommended it to me several years ago and I was amazed. If we follow these four agreements with ourselves, our perspectives and attitudes about life and human interactions will measurably improve. So simple, yet so hard to always remember.

After my panicked meltdown graceful musing yesterday, I decided to post a summary of The Four Agreements, in a blogging context, as a personal reminder and to share. (Words in italics, unless otherwise noted, are excerpts from the book.)

Be Impeccable With Your Word. "The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, you word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you." In the blogging context, this means recognizing how powerful our words are and not using them against ourselves or others. It means not taking credit for the words of another, and not using our words to divide, spread hatred or chaos. Instead, we can use our words to increase understanding, love and compassion.

When we write about how ugly, stupid or unlovable we (or others) are, these words cast a powerful spell and create those things in our lives. When someone tells us their opinion and it is hateful or cruel and we believe it, we have just made an agreement that shapes the way we see the world and ourselves.

For example, if we submit our blog to some other people to "critique" and those other people take delight in sharing a destructive, petty, cruel opinion about our blog, we can agree with the opinion and internalize that poison, making it define for ourselves who we are at the core. Or we can refuse to let it in, saying instead: "that is your opinion and I will not let it define me. I love myself more than that." And move on.

Also, when we gossip, we are spreading poison, similar to a computer virus.

Don't Take Anything Personally. "Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you."

I have seen this in blogging too much. I write my opinion, then someone comes on my blog, takes my opinion in, reacts, feels offended, personally insulted, storms off in a huff. While nothing I wrote had anything to do with that person. I try to be clear that what I write stems from my perspective, experiences and reality. And that when I read something I disagree with, I don't take it personally. I might initiate a dialog to see if we can share our perspectives to reach a greater understanding, but I know that what they are writing has NOTHING to do with me.

Even if a blogger were to write "that bitch, Jayne, [with a link to my site] is an ugly, arrogant, know-it-all fool" -- even at this extreme, do you see how this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the author and her own opinions, formed through her values, perspectives, filters and assumptions?

If someone tells me I am beautiful, I do not take it personally; I am being viewed through the filters of someone else's reality and values. Similarly, if someone tells me I am ugly, how can I take this personally, for the same reasons? Someone else's opinion has nothing to do with me or my identity, unless I choose to agree with it. But we always have that choice.

For example, if a blogger writes a strong opinion such as "blondes are prettier than brunettes" or "people who don't eat red meat are annoying" or "Californians are flaky" then I have a choice - to think "I am brunette /vegetarian/Californian so I must be ugly/annoying/flaky" OR I can think that blogger has expressed his opinion but I won't let it in because it has nothing to do with me.

This not taking it in is especially difficult when we "look up" to that blogger--and why "look up" when this results in you placing yourself dynamically "beneath" them when we are all equal? When we hand to someone power over us, very often they will take the opportunity to abuse us. We are sticking our necks underneath their heels; the "looked-up to" person thinks "Wow, she must want to be stepped on. Okay." Just because one person is arrogant and states a strong opinion peripherally having to do with a way we define ourselves does not mean it has ANYTHING to do with who we are.

People are always trying to "hook" our attention with their words and opinions. When we realize that what these people say and write has NOTHING to do with us and EVERYTHING to do with the writer, we can be immeasurably happier.

Don't Make Assumptions. This is the most important one for me, and the most liberating one once I started dropping many of the assumptions I had previously automatically made. "We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking--we take it personally--then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we're asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.  . . All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally."

How many times have you automatically made assumptions in blogging, then acted on those assumptions, not realizing you are completely making up the entire situation and drama in your mind? (Inner deluded, destructive chatter: I commented on Jayne's post. She did not comment on mine the same day. That must mean she saw my comment, and either disregarded the fact I have a blog, or worse, visited my blog, hated it and declined to comment .  . .and, because I AM my blog, she hates me. . . and because she hates me, it must be true, and I am a LOSER, just like she and everyone else thinks I am, and nobody is commenting so nobody loves me because comments = love and reactions to my blog = defining my worth as a person. . .)

If I write "who the fuck are you people?" this can be interpreted so many ways, based on whatever assumption you want to make about what my intentions are. I hope you know that for me, most of my communications are geared towards greater understanding, with loads of tongue-in-cheek humor (that many may not find the least bit funny).

Snap out of it! If you are going to make assumptions and acknowledge the fact that you create your own reality, why not make outrageously positive assumptions instead? At least that way, you will not spiral down into a depressive state. (Inner equally deluded but more self-loving chatter: Jayne didn't comment back. It must be because she was rendered speechless by the Awesome that is my blog. She will need days, nay, weeks, to recover. Poor Jayne, I should have warned her . . .)

People are busy, bloggers generally enjoy reading other blogs even if they don't always have something to say, there is no need to read anything into any action or lack of action when you do not have all of the information. If you must know why someone did or did not do something, just ask for clarification. I have done this a few times and have always been gratified for having a greater understanding based on facts, not assumptions.

Always Do Your Best. "Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good." If we live our lives and enjoy living, don't overstress ourselves, yet do the best we can under the circumstances, we will not feel guilty.

Feeling sick and tired? Uninspired? Reading other blogs and wishing you could come up with something half as clever or insightful? Welcome to my world. Just do your best. Write what you can, or don't write at all if you are just not up for it. I have my "on" days and my "off" days. I try not to beat myself up too much on my "off" days. I give others the same slack.

Anyway, I hope these ideas are as comforting to you as they are for me. You are smart, powerful, worthy, beautiful and insightful and you possess inherent, unchangeable perfection . . .  and don't let anyone (ESPECIALLY yourself) tell you any differently.

DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

A maxim I like to throw around on occasion is that anyone can date Frankenstein for six months. In the early stages of a relationship, we project all of our fantasies on to this new perfect person, and we are on our best behavior. Everything is thrilling . . . and mostly a lie.

Then the honeymoon is over, you see who is on the other side of the bed, and are SHOCKED that your little puddingkins is not perfect. Oh, the stinging betrayal, the crushing disappointment. Then we must decide whether to chase the thrill of a new relationship or hunker down and "settle" for Mr. or Mrs. Right Now.*

I have been blogging for six months now. I think the honeymoon's over. What kind of monster have I created? Who the fuck are you people? Do you ever hate, dread and resent blogging, get annoyed with most other bloggers, (those other bloggers, silly, not the ones listed on my sidebar) can't stand how you might be perceived? (I want to be empowering but then I feel like a preachy arrogant fool. Why do I do this? How self-absorbed can a person be?)

Mad, mad love to you all. Sorry, I just woke up and saw who I was in bed with, that the socks are on the floor and someone spilled a whole mess of whine on my carpet. It's a bit of a shock, but I do hope we have a long and prosperous relationship once I adjust to this new reality. I fear I'm in it for the long haul, there's no escaping. Most days, I see the positive aspects and love this country of Blogistan (to quote Jaquandor.) Just not today.

[Update: I'd been looking for and finally found this quote from Pops as he summed up bloggers so . . . strangely yet aptly and this is the mood I'm in: "I don't have anything approaching contempt for bloggers, you people in particular. I love bloggers. How could anyone not love bloggers? We're the helpless, fuzzy, co-dependent, happy parasites on the back of the two-headed beast that is snarling, all-devouring Infotainment. We're sort of a cross between a spaniel pup and a tapeworm. Adorable."]

* Obviously, this scenario does not apply to my relationship with my husband. He is Apollo. I cannot look at him directly for long because I would go blind from his glorious radiance. He has the intelligence, patience, kindness of a Saint and his job -- helicopter pilot, hello -- is so cool and manly that he has a picture of an enormous penis embossed on his business card. And he never ever leaves tea bags in the sink or forgets about trash day or leaves chapstick in his pockets to melt and thus stain my clothes when I do laundry.

Linkscaping

Work! Travel! Princess! I have been remiss in stopping by your blogs, replying to comments, etc. I am behind the Redwood Curtain today. If you think San Francisco is Northern California, well, fahgetaboutit. Keep driving up the coast for about 5 hours until you are about to lose your mind . . . then the world opens up to mist and ocean and giant redwood trees.

It is nice to be back here for a few days. Getting here was another story. Snow! Accidents! Mudslides! Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Now I need to prepare for a meeting (and why, exactly, am I blogging instead?) I will return tomorrow night and come around to say hello by Friday, promise.

In the meanwhile, I have a little thought on blogrolls. My apologies to those who have already weighed in on my other site.

For a while, a lovely new (to me) blogger had Jayne Says on a very short list of "blogs that make me laugh" then, when I returned a few days ago, it was no longer on the list. Quel Horror! Poor dear blogger must have read a little more of my site, when I got all gloomy then hopeful and nostalgic (but not so funny.)

Good God do I wish I made people and myself laugh every day! But no, there's this pendulum thingy. Darn.

Anyway, I didn't take it the least bit personally. I get that people have different blogroll philosophies. I think there are at least 5 options (I like making lists, in case you haven't noticed):

a) No blogroll on site
b) A carefully and frequently pruned blogroll reflecting current interests and where you wouldn't mind steering your readers. I call blogroll pruning "linkscaping" (because, damn it, I AM FUNNY)
c) A loosely linkscaped blogroll.
d) Link only to those who link to you - pure reciprocity.
e) Link to every blog you've ever visited, and let the page roll, roll, roll down the block.

Then there are those who have a lot of rules if you want to link to them and vice-versa. I came across this one from Bricotrout a few days ago. It is funny! I don't necessarily subscribe to his philosophy and rules for myself, but his post is food for thought.

I'm more of a c) gal myself. I link rather quickly to people, or to those who link to me, it's not a big deal at all to me to add you to my sidebar.

But if you're not posting what resonates with me for a while and I don't find myself over at your place that much anymore, or if you frequently post things I don't endorse and don't want to steer my readers astray, I will linkscape you. It is nothing personal. I'm just a fickle bitch, easy come, easy go, what can I say?

And I won't take it the least bit personally if you linkscape me for the same reasons. (But I am fucking hilarious, damn it.)

Clean and True

There's the daily routine shower. Lather, rinse, repeat. Then there are those showers where you imagine yourself encased in a loose half-molting sheath of flaking dead skin cells. You methodically steam and scrub and exfoliate and shave and scrub some more. Like you're going into surgery. Emerge a clean new shiny snake.

There's the quick clean up before casual company arrives. Wipe down the surfaces, shove the clutter out of sight, clean hand towels in the bathroom, maybe buy some flowers. Then there is the deep cleaning that is done for yourself. The horrified realization, the invisible line that is crossed. Unacceptable. You can't live like this. You will take this last week of the year in this new house, unpack finally. Organize, unclutter. Sterilize every surface.

You know it is obsessive, compulsive, whatever the words are to describe the mindless, irrational dark fast need to have things in order. Out. Damn. Spot.

Then you re-read what you have written and smile. So damn impressionable. Saturday you are reading The Tipping Point and having your heart and imagination swell at the possibility for global social change. Today you have just forced yourself to put down (after 242 pages read in one sitting) James Frey's A Million Little Pieces.

He writes about his addiction (worse than anything you can imagine) and recovery (heroic, I'm hoping) in such brutal, honest, staccato sentences. I internalize the tone, the mood, the ideas. Alone in this Godless world, fighting my own demons, looking for a glimmer of truth and hope and humanity, just like he is. I do not consciously mimic his "style." I am telling you; right now it is my own, it has inhabited me. Give me some Jane Austen and I will be quipping, light, clever.

This does relate to The Tipping Point, in that subtle, small environmental changes (like what you choose to read and view) affects what goes on in your head and presumably the actions that follow.

In a comment to my recent post about blogging "crimes," someone asked me my opinion regarding the difference between writing for yourself and writing for one's readers. My opinion (and others will differ) is this. Those of us who fancy (or delude) ourselves "writers" must write. We write because of our internal need/drive to express. There is no choice. Often, this is a diary, personal journaling, meant to help the writer puzzle through experiences and emotions to glean meaning and truth of his or her life. There is no desire or drive to interact with others, it is personal. And that is beautiful and perfect.

Those of us who write to be read, to be published (and I count myself somewhat self-consciously in this group) are also driven to express what is true. That truth can be in a good argument for or against a position, it can be a humorous story that has you laughing and shaking your head at the same time, that is so true. It can be a flight of fancy, horrific, hysterical, personal, tragic, anything so long as it holds some kernel of truth. About life, people, the world.

But unlike the personal journalers, we do not do this for ourselves alone. Masturbatory wordplay is not as satisfying as an exchanged intercourse for us. We want to touch, reach, affect, stimulate, provoke. We want to strike that balance between writing our truths for ourselves and hitting that resonating note within our readers.

We want to be tuning forks, setting the pitch, so that others, if only for a short while, start vibrating and sounding back the tone, the mood the ideas we have written.

There are people publishing on this most public forum who do not fancy/delude themselves writers. They post more for social reasons, or for information sharing. To amuse, hook up, entertain, befriend, inform. This is all beautiful and perfect. And I certainly feel that pull, and have tried to entertain and befriend and inform to some extent and I hope I have begun to succeed at some level there.

Often, though, this type of blogging, in both myself and others, leaves me feeling empty. I want to hear your truth. I want it to ring true for me. And sometimes, surprisingly and unexpectedly, even in the middle of a meme post, it does and it is beautiful and perfect and I am vibrating at your frequency. I am smoking what you are rolling and we are getting high on the exchange of truth (not absolute Truth, but momentary, fleeting, undeniable truth of the now) and ideas.

Mostly, I want to write. I want to exchange ideas. I want to teach and I want to learn. I want to be a tuning fork sometimes, and resonate sometimes with other tuning forks.

Is it for me or is it for you? Most emphatically yes and yes.

How to be a Blogging Loser

As my Christmas gift to you, I present a list of 25 things you can do to be the best loser blogger possible! I've been doing this for what, three months now? So I'm an expert.

1. Be deluded enough to think that anyone gives a squirrel's nut what you think about ANYTHING.
2. Care deeply that nobody cares what you think. (No. 1 and 2 "borrowed" from Pops' hysterical So You Want to be a Blogger post)
3. NEVER give attribution to other bloggers with a link back to the original work; you should pass off all good ideas as your own! Nobody will ever be the wiser.
4. Obsess over stats and numbers, and whine when you don't have enough readers.
5. Post suggestive pictures of yourself or personal sexual details and expect to be taken seriously.
6. If someone comments or e-mails you on how much they love your blog, assume that person is your new best friend.
7. Add all your new best friends to your blogroll and share all kinds of intimate information with them.
8. Post lots of identifying information about yourself, the more the better -- where you live, your real name, where you work, etc.
9. Badmouth other bloggers, with links to their sites. Blogs are personal and WARFARE is the only appropriate response when someone offends you.
10. Say stupid things in passing about family members and friends who read your blog, because it is always worth it to get a cheap laugh from strangers than ruin a real life relationship!
11. Publish on the most public forum ever invented while keeping your comment function active, then insist that your expression is only for yourself.
12. Have NOTHING to say. Um, here's a picture of a frog. Discuss amongst yourselves. Anyone?
13. Post maybe once a month.
14. Have most of your posts be "memes" and "tag" everyone with them. Everyone loves this.
15. Write mostly about how cute your kids are.
16. Be THIN-SKINNED! Understand that EVERY passing reference in another person's blog or in your comments section to something you disagree with is a personal attack on you and respond appropriately. See No. 9, above.
17. In the comments section, forget matching the tone or addressing the content of the post; instead, comment only about yourself or make a lame joke.
18. Better yet, put in a completely irrelevant spam comment linking back to your own blog.
19. Take yourself and other bloggers very seriously and neglect most every aspect of your real life.
20. Make mostly sexually suggestive comments directed towards the blogger on a non-sex blog.
21. Be a humorless, strident bitch/asshole. And a hypocrite.
22. Alienate most of your blogging buddies by pointing out something they do that annoys you.
23. Insist on writing about cringe-inducing subjects nobody wants to hear about, like your personal spiritual experiences.
24. Repeatedly beg and whine for someone to add you to their blogroll.
25. Follow all advice, usually found in authoritative lists written by other bloggers.

Yes, as anyone who has been reading Jayne Says for a little while knows, I have committed many of the above "crimes" and have learned the hard way by being a terrific blogging loser. Yay for me, I win! Anyone care to add to the list?

Blawgs and Rights

As a blogger, do you know your rights? If you have questions or want to brush up on legal and strategic issues involving blogging (and I love how law blogs are sometimes called "blawgs") check out the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF). EFF is a non-profit advocacy group working to protect citizen rights in the digital age.

Their blogging rights campaign contains useful information about blogging at work, what issues are protected and are not, and how to blog anonymously.

Their Legal Guide for Bloggers is a must-read. Here is an excerpt from their introduction:

Whether you're a newly minted blogger or a relative old-timer, you've been seeing more and more stories pop up every day about bloggers getting in trouble for what they post.

Like all journalists and publishers, bloggers sometimes publish information that other people don't want published. You might, for example, publish something that someone considers defamatory, republish an AP news story that's under copyright, or write a lengthy piece detailing the alleged crimes of a candidate for public office.

The difference between you and the reporter at your local newspaper is that in many cases, you may not have the benefit of training or resources to help you determine whether what you're doing is legal. And on top of that, sometimes knowing the law doesn't help - in many cases it was written for traditional journalists, and the courts haven't yet decided how it applies to bloggers.

But here's the important part: None of this should stop you from blogging. Freedom of speech is the foundation of a functioning democracy, and Internet bullies shouldn't use the law to stifle legitimate free expression. That's why EFF created this guide, compiling a number of FAQs designed to help you understand your rights and, if necessary, defend your freedom. [Caveats follow, the guide is only geared towards U.S. laws and does not substitute for legal advice, etc.]

Their FAQ include topics on

• Legal Liability Issues (Overview of issues; Intellectual Property; Defamation; Section 230; Privacy rights of people you blog about)
• Bloggers as Journalists (Reporter's Privilege, Media Access)
• Other Legal Issues (Student Bloggers; Election Law; Labor Law (***important blogging at and about work issues***; Adult Material)

To support EFF (as a Christmas present to all your fellow bloggers out there : ) ) click here. No, I am not affiliated with them in any way, they just rock.

I while ago, I made a generous offer to answer your legal questions. No takers at that time, but maybe there are questions now. My specialties are employment/labor law and civil rights, but I can point you in the right direction on just about any topic. Contracts, business, family law issues, etc.

Feel free to e-mail your (or your "friend's") questions and the state where you live, and if there's enough interest, I will start a regular blawg "column."

No, I won't be "your" lawyer, but will act as a general, limited resource guide for you. I am a law geek and live for this. Sad, but true.  Go forth and know your rights; Power to the Bloggers!

Anon Was a Woman

I have been derelict in my blogging duties this week and will continue to be so through Friday. I have been in a mind-numbing conference in San Diego. Being in this hotel in a city far from home has me thinking about anonymity.

There's always a certain breed of conference troll hungering to hook up. The way they assess me, the meaning in the lingering eye contact that says, "we're both here, let's have a little fun, no strings attached. . ." is clearer than if they were shouting in my face. I always look away.

And I'm not just saying that because my husband reads this blog. I have an over-active imagination, always play things out to their worst, most awkward and ugly conclusion in my head.

Mmmm, yeah, he's hott. He could come up to my room. And then he's pushing me against the wall and then . . . Well, what if he smelled bad? And had a weird laugh? And strange teeth up close? Maybe he's like a butterfly, all beautiful from a distance, but you get up close and it's all bug eyes and antennae and shit? What if he can't kiss? How would I kick him out of my room? What if he wouldn't leave? What if he is a jerk, or dumb, or rude or worse, boring? What if I hate the way he touches me?  Plus, I didn't exactly pack any condoms. Gift shop? What if I ran into my client down there? How would I explain the package of condoms in my hand and this random lurking stranger standing next to me? I hate that asshole. . . All this neurosis triggered from a passing glance from a stranger.

(Oh yeah and I love my husband and will be true until I die and none of these things ever cross my mind.)

In blogging, how much anonymity are you comfortable with? I don't use my real name, post pictures of my face or get too detailed about my job and the town where I live. I do this for four (4) main reasons:

1. I have a creepy stalker ex (I broke up with him 10 years ago!) who keeps making inquiries to my family, friends and just a few months ago to my client (!) about how to reach me. He fucking Googled me, read something I'd published about some work I was doing, then contacted my client, who forwarded his e-mail, wherein he purported to be an old friend of mine and was wondering whether my client happened to have my e-mail address. Grrrrrr.

2. It would be professionally embarrassing for me to have my clients and colleagues reading my blog.

3. There seem to be a lot of weirdos out there and I don't need the drama of them knowing my phone number.

4. As an emotional buffer (which is slightly thicker lately) between the "real" me and "the public," to protect my sensitive self from criticism, attack or ridicule.

Lots of employers are Googling prospective employees to see if they have a blog. I just Googled "[blogger's name I know]" blog and up came her blog, Bingo. Pictures, sexual preferences, personal stories, you name it.

If you say you live in a certain town (or my Sitemeter or Statcounter software tells me what town you live in when you visit me) I can look you up and stalk you next time I'm in town. Paranoid? Sorry, but having a pet stalker for 10 years makes one a bit wary . . .

I believe I would be less vigilant about my anonymity if I were mostly writing or an artist and didn't have this "grown up," professional image/reputation to worry about. And if I had thicker skin and weren't such an insecure baby.

What I don't tend to shrink away so much from is anonymity in ideas. I have seen some tone down/tailor the content of their blogs so as not to be offensive. A discussion I've been having with a few other bloggers involves how one successfully balances the drive to speak one's truth with the drive to attract and sustain a readership of like-minded persons.

Absolute "truth" (whatever one's truth is at the moment) at any cost? Entertain at the risk of being inauthentic? What do you think? Do you reassess, overcompensate one way or the other after you find yourself "slipping?" I tend to be pretty direct and unapologetic about my beliefs, but also tend to cloak them in humor or sarcasm to soften the impact, or because perhaps I am a little defensive about the potential reaction to my stance.

For example, I have never voted Republican. I think the following image, from

here (there are lots more posters) and here, is funny.

Not everyone might agree -- though it is arguably goofy enough to not be a "political" statement. But I'd rather post it and hope for a few kindreds to chuckle with me than to not post it out of fear of offending a few non-kindreds and have to laugh all by myself.

Blogging to other bloggers about blogging. What a glorious circle jerk of a post. Join me in the self-indulgence?