Jayne Says

Cape-Able

I could not be happier with how oral argument went yesterday on my appellate case. I am 95% sure justice (e.g. my client's position--but we are the good guys, promise) will prevail. And you will be pleased to know I resisted the compelling temptation to shout out, during opposing counsel's argument: "Your Honors, this is bullshit; we got motherfuckin' snakes!*"

When I returned home last night, I received an e-mail from a dear friend in which she said she had a hard time remembering her nickname for me on her e-mail program, but then she remembered. ".... never in a million tries would I have remembered "cape." Now that I have seen your e-nick is "cape" I know why. It is for "defender," "super hero," I had completely forgotten.  How could I have forgotten something so obvious."

Her unexpected statement pleased me even more than the sweet sweet taste of my opponent's blood. I had no idea her nickname for me was "cape." I love it. My nickname for her is "Tree." Because it rhymes with part of her name and because she is pure and natural and reminds me of being outside. I heart Tree.

In my 20's, I often struggled to make myself smaller than I am. Fold myself up like a telescope. Squish myself into "traditional" and "feminine" behaviors and appearances. And I sometimes still find myself doing that. Being the "nice" and "pretty" girl. On the outside anyway.

But the older I get, the more joyfully and fully I embrace my strong warrior nature. It feels like an enormous weight is lifted from my shoulders and I am able to stand a little taller each time I "own" who I am.

Here are some gorgeous, strong warrior women/characters who inspire me. (Starbuck from Battlestar, Lara Croft, Xena, Ripley from Alien, Zoe from Firefly) It is so refreshing to see (and even be, at times) powerful, positive (for the most part) alternatives to the otherwise pervasive image of the helpless, passive female.

Who am I forgetting?

But if demure, giggling, subservient "lotus blossoms" are more your type, you will love these women. Guaranteed.

My hope for all women is that they realize (not just understand but bring into being) their incredible power.

And my hope is the same for all men. We can co-exist, beautifully, powerfully, together. But only if we are meeting as true equals.

*(You may have already seen this mock up poster of the real movie 'Snakes on a Plane' [is that not the best title of a movie ever?] coming out soon. But it kills me every time. I may just be punchy. Thanks to Brent for the link on a comment to one of Pops' posts and thanks to Pops' mom and . . . how much attribution do you expect? Sheesh?)

You can still "ask the reincarnationist" until Sunday (2 posts down)

[Update: more pictures (Hillary Swank in 'Million Dollar Baby' and Michelle Rodriguez in 'Girlfight')]

You're Unwelcome

I'm kind of a flame-thrower and grenade kind of person, sometimes. Broad, impassioned strokes rather than fine lines and hair splitting. I like to engage in heated debate and try to persuade, and cooler heads be damned! This is my temperament. Sometimes, it helps motivate and puts a fire under someone to act (this is actually what I get paid pretty well to do) and sometimes this temperament can be a bit scorching and alienating. Then I spend a lot of time clarifying and apologizing.

Today, I'm going to try to be cool-headed and careful with this post. I want feedback, but I am specifically requesting that the feedback be constructive, and not turn into a malebashfest. "All men suck! Down with men!" I've discussed before the undercurrent of rage many women feel, just under the surface, and know that topics like this can bring that up. But if we want to shed some light on this important topic, I do ask that the heat be turned down and the pots be put on at least simmer.

The topic is a continuation of yesterday's post about victimization and empowerment. Today I want to talk about a "hostile environment" (whether that's at the office, walking down the street, in your own home, at clubs, online, everywhere.)

For the purpose of this discussion, I'm going to define "hostile environment" as a stressful environment created by: 1) severe or pervasive conduct from a man 2) of a sexual nature (or would only be directed at a woman) 3) that is unwelcome (i.e. not solicited or encouraged) and 3) that a reasonable woman* would find offensive.

Severe or pervasive: one incident can be enough if it is egregious. But usually, we're talking about a noticeable pattern of sexual or gender-related conduct.

Of a sexual nature: the comment/behavior relates to sexuality or is directed towards a person just because of her gender. (The commenter wouldn't make the same comment to a man who was similarly situated.)

Unwelcome: the comment/conduct is not requested, invited or encouraged. If a woman puts up half-nekkid pictures of herself, she would be unreasonable in objecting if people commented about the appearance of her body or made sexual comments. What the woman generally wants to hear in that instance is how hot she is. Or, a woman at work actively participating (like telling her own raunchy jokes) in sexual jokes would have a hard time convincing people later that similar sexual joking by a male co-worker was unwelcome.

Offensive to a reasonable woman in that position. This is tricky. On the one hand, some people are "hyper-sensitive" and will get insulted/offended by anything. On the other hand, as I wrote about yesterday, reasonable men and reasonable women will differ as to what is offensive or not. This, again, is because of context.

(or insert other protected class here -- reasonable person of color, reasonable person with a disability, reasonable gay person, etc. though in this post is addressing gender relations specifically.)

Men and women generally have different perspectives. Conduct that many men consider unobjectionable may offend many women. I'm excerpting some information below from a sexual harassment case arising out of California about 10 years ago (Ellison v Brady).

A male supervisor might believe, for example, that it is legitimate for him to tell a female employee that she has a 'great figure' or 'nice legs.' The female employee, however, may find such comments offensive.

Men tend to view some forms of sexual harassment as harmless, amusing social interactions to which only overly-sensitive women would object.

However, many women share common concerns which men do not necessarily share. For example, because women are disproportionately victims of rape and sexual assault, women have a stronger incentive to be concerned with sexual behavior. Women who are victims of mild forms of sexual harassment may understandably worry whether a harasser's conduct is merely a prelude to violent sexual assault. Men, who are rarely victims of sexual assault, may view sexual conduct in a vacuum without a full appreciation of the social setting or the underlying threat of violence that a woman may perceive.

One writer explains: "While many women hold positive attitudes about uncoerced sex, their greater physical and social vulnerability to sexual coercion can make women wary of sexual encounters. Moreover, American women have been raised in a society where rape and sex-related violence have reached unprecedented levels, and a vast pornography industry creates continuous images of sexual coercion, objectification and violence.

Finally, women as a group tend to hold more restrictive views of both the situation and type of relationship in which sexual conduct is appropriate. Because of the inequality and coercion with which it is so frequently associated in the minds of women, the appearance of sexuality in an unexpected context or a setting of ostensible equality can be an anguishing experience. Abrams, Gender Discrimination and the Transformation of Workplace Norms, 42 Vand.L.Rev. 1183, 1203-05 (1989)(emphasis added).

With this backdrop in mind, my friend Edge posted the following comment yesterday:

I do not hit on women, here or anywhere, and I do not behave inappropriately, here or anywhere. But when you primp and powder up and look good to yourself in the mirror, you look good to me too and I very well may tell you so as I compliment many of you here, not only on your looks if you post photos, but on what you say, how you say it. Simply said, you strive to look lovely, your best, I'm going to notice, not just your girl parts, but the whole woman package. And I would expect you to receive my honest complimentary assessment as graciously as it was given, regardless of the attribute of yours I was commenting favorably upon. I am crass or disrespectful, have at me. We all, hopefully if we are prideful, strive to put our best masculine or feminine foot forward and I think it's as inate as a cardinal's red feathers.

Edge is quick to assess his own behavior and conclude that he does not behave inappropriately, here or anywhere, but then says he is quick with the compliment about a woman's appearance. And that he is polite and well-meaning. I have never experienced him to be otherwise. (And he is a wonderful writer, to boot!)

But the point I believe Edge may be missing, is that given the different context of many women's lives and realities, even the most gentlemanly, well-meaning, sincere compliment may be unwelcome and unsettling. Again, without male bashing, without Edge-bashing (this is not personal; I am using his comment as a springboard to a broader discussion) is there anyone who can help me out with examples, experiences that have been well-meaning but made you feel threatened or very uncomfortable enough to feel you were experiencing a hostile environment?

I consider myself VERY fortunate that (at least as an adult) I have not been subjected to serious physical sexual harassment or assault or a "quid pro quo" type workplace harassment where the perpetrator knew damn well what he was doing and intended intimidation. Most unwelcome, offensive conduct has occurred for me from very well-meaning, nice, gentlemanly men. Here are some I have experienced:

• Whistles/comments on the street (though the older I get, I gotta tell you, the more welcome this is)
• Being grabbed/fondled by significant others just when walking by -- if unwelcome, unanticipated, this can seem violating. We're not all always ready, all the time and yes, I believe women can be sexually harassed in their own homes.
• Having a co-worker or boss make a comment about my appearance, body or clothes beyond "you look nice today!" or "great shoes!" There's a "vibe," that is given off with a lingering look, a boundary that is crossed that I can't articulate very well (but know every woman knows what I am talking about) where you just kind of shudder, think "ick" and cover yourself up.
• Having a good friend's boyfriend tell me how desirable I was when we were sitting in a hot tub together. This ruined my friendship with the woman, as I could not stand to be around him.
• Obviously, sexist comments or a hypersexualized atmosphere at someone's house (Playboy magazines everywhere, etc.)
• Receiving personal (as opposed to general) comments of a sexual nature in response to a non-sexual topic, even on this blog. This is generally unwelcome (unless you are my husband or we are flirting, we, back and forth) and jarring. I put this as  # 20 on my How To Be a Blogging Loser post.

Side note: Why is it that a man can walk around nude or just in his boxers at home alone and just be, but when a woman is nude or scantily clad or in a bathing suit (and not in a "come hither" way, but just hanging out) -- that this fact alone is sexualized? Like merely having a female body is an invitation for comment or grabbing? IT IS NOT!

Often, I like to go out in baggy dark clothes, glasses and a pony tail, no make up, big combat boots . . . to avoid the stares, the sexual (or just "complimentary") comments. It is such a violation. Even when I put on make up, put my contacts in, wear closer-fitting clothes, that is not an invitation for inappropriate touching or comments. It is welcome when it is invited, encouraged. Merely looking a certain way  does not, in itself, constitute an invitation. I feel like Jessica Rabbit: "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way . . ."

Of course, when I'm in my badass androgynous outfits and mentality, sometimes I get the equally uninvited comment: "Smile, honey!" If it's an elder gentleman, I let it slide. But for younger ones, I sometimes tell them my mother just died, and they'd be upset too, and they should mind their own business. Like I said, rage, right under this placid surface . . .

Am I hyper-sensitive? Has anyone else experienced a hostile environment (at work, online, at home, anywhere) due to well-meaning comments or conduct by even the nicest of guys? When? Your comments and experiences (so long as they are constructive and not personally sexual) are welcome, encouraged and invited.

On Being A Woman in America

I was reading two provocative posts the other day. One from The Curious1 about misogyny and awful hypersexualized depictions of women in hip hop and rap music. Part II was from Bougie Black Boy about how men rule the corporate world. Please read those posts, they are articulate, passionate, informed and interesting, and spurred quite a debate. [Update: this is really Part II of my own feminism posting, click here for Part I - Coyote Beautiful]

I couldn't help but comment. I'm a bleeding heart civil rights lawyer who has been fighting for race and gender equality for 10 years and will continue to do so. I'm not a Republican, I don't pass homeless people on the street and mutter about why they can't get a job, I fight for social service funding. I don't blame the victim.

I actually have a draft post about sexual harassment I haven't finished yet to the effect that men in America often HAVE NO CLUE that what they say in a sexual context to women can be offensive to a reasonable woman. What seems harmless, amusing, flirtatious to a man is often not perceived that way from women mainly because of context. Women are disproportionately the victims of sexual violence in this country. We have to be vigilant when walking alone, things that don't "feel" equal and "seem" inappropriate take on an entire element of fear and anxiety as some women may wonder (even subconsciously, but flags are going up) as to whether the comment is a prelude to a violent attack. Men get to carry around an invisible backpack of privilege they often don't know they are wearing; one of these privileges is to not have to worry about being raped or sexually harassed. [update: this metaphor is from Peggy McIntosh's "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" I read in my critical legal theory class in law school. Click here for an excerpt.]

So, with the above said, I am sharing my comments below. My point is that yes, we need cultural change, yes, we need education. However, I believe that the revolution starts with the individual. I loved Gloria Steinem's book The Revolution From Within. And Naomi Wolf's Fire With Fire (the one she wrote after The Beauty Myth).

Many of us work with victims. And we want to Rescue. But, I think the most effective way to reduce and eliminate sexism (or at least the behaviors flowing from it) is to help empower victims, not enable them. I have been through the victim stage of identification as a woman. I have given my power away. But then something snapped about 15 years ago and I began reclaiming it.

Every man I've ever worked for has told me how beautiful they think I am. I have looked them all in the eyes and thanked them, but in my eyes was a powerful dare. They backed down. When I want (or need to be) I can scare the shit out of anyone, and that's how I like it. But it took 15 years of healing, building up my personal power. Hot Chik Theresa in her comments said it's a "pipe dream" for most women to reclaim their power. I love her, but respectfully disagree. I think it's THE dream, the way. Empower the individual and the rest will follow.

Here are my comments:

[at the Curious1's] I believe it was Alice Walker who said that human capacity is equal to human cruelty and it's up to us to tip the balance. Thank you for jumping on the right side of the scales!

I really believe the responsibility lies with each individual. To educate ourselves to reach our full capacities. To speak out. To be courageous. To vote and boycott (especially with $$) as necessary.

Personally, I am a woman but I do not feel victimized by this music. Yes, it is hypersexualized and sends the wrong message to our youth. I turn it off if the lyrics offend. I don't watch TV. I have created a powerful life for myself. I draw boundaries when I feel someone is being sexually inappropriate towards me. I don't let anyone come into my living room and dump garbage, and they don't get to do that to my mind, either.

Reminds me of a Zen saying: just because someone brings wolves to your door, it doesn't mean you have to let them in. [yeah, I've been saying that one a lot lately] Achieving personal power and liberation from identifying with victimhood is obtainable, it just takes a lot of personal work. No government or corporation or movement can do that work for me.

And I'm SO with Theresa - I refuse to compete with other women for male attention. Thank you for the provocative post and thread!

[at Bougie Black Boy's]

Hey there. I just wrote a long-winded comment over at curious1's site, so I'm almost out of steam. Thanks for the provocative post.

Again, I think it is up to each of us to tip the balance, become educated, demand equal pay, etc. I am soft spoken and look "feminine" I guess but my clients hire me because I listen well, pay attention to details, work hard and win their cases for them.

I am often underestimated, but this usually works to my advantage.

And with the money I earn? I generally hire female doctors and tax professionals etc. because it has been my experience that they will listen better and not take their position for granted, like some entitlement, that I have seen from some (not all!) male professionals.

I think each person needs to get to a point in his or her life when a decision must be made - am I a victim of circumstance, or do I control my own destiny? I'll take the latter, thank you very much . . .

--- So, what do you think? Women - weak victims or force to be reckoned with? Both, sometimes? How much is individual choice and responsibility, reclaiming power?

A Heartbeat Away

Most straight men have no idea how quickly a straight woman can "turn" lesbian. Adam Corolla ranted about this a few years ago on Loveline; he went off on some teenage guy who wasn't treating his girlfriend well and said something like, "Don't you know that you're ruining it for the rest of us? Don't you know how quickly they can turn and never come back, you doofus?"

I'm telling you, women's sexuality is a fickle bitch. Last week, I got in touch with my inner gay man. Today, I'm in touch with my Inner Lesbian. My IL is a lot like Joan Jett.

Don't get me wrong, I love many straight men, including my husband. I think we ask a lot of our men, and many have to struggle through life to come into their own without adequate role models or support on how to be decent and compassionate.

[Dilbert Cartoonist Scott Adams is trying to add his awkward acronym BOCTAOE ("but of course there are obvious exceptions") to the American lexicon. So just tack on a BOCTAOE to this post, 'mkay? For Dilbert and your Auntie Jayne?]

Don't shoot the messenger. I'm telling you, look around, read the comments, read posts like Stella's, asking women whose pussy they would eat. It's only a matter of time.

Here are 5 highly empirical reasons why a huge number of straight women are a heartbeat away from going the gay way:

1. Statistics show that at least one in every three women has been or will be the victim of sexual abuse or attack by a man in her lifetime. Many of these women will get the therapy or treatment they need, or just "get over it" on their own but still, that leaves maybe what . . . 20 - 25% of straight women (and remember, 10% of the population is already gay) with unresolved, seething rage, resentment and contempt towards men. Mostly boiling right under a deceptively placid surface.

2. Newsflash for straight men: one in every three women secretly (or not so secretly) hates your guts. But it's usually not personal, so that's a bonus. Some other doofus messed things up a while ago.

3. You know how sexualized our culture is, how women in our culture are objectified and viewed as sex objects? Well, women grow up with those same images . . . so both men and women lust after sexy women. BOCTAOE (Jake G., Exh. A.)

4. Many men have become complacent. They aren't reading the signs. Women in this country are marrying later (if at all) and having fewer children. We are earning more money, having successful careers and have strong buying power and political clout. We are better educated and sexually liberated. All we ask is that you keep up and don't get lazy on us.   

5. When we are upset, inconsolable, to whom do we women turn for comfort? Our girlfriends. See, "girlfriends." So natural to say.

There you have it. However, straight men: there's still a chance. You could still rally and not ruin it for all the other guys who want and deserve a good woman in their lives. As long as you understand how tenuous that gossamer thread is that keeps a woman straight; once it snaps, there's no turning back.

So buy your woman flowers. Listen to her without trying to "fix" her. Make plans (all on your own!) to take her out for a surprise dinner. Women want to feel cherished.  It really is the little things. I'm not talking about spending a lot of money, just spending some thought. If you want hot sex . . . clean the house yourself, take care of your own business, don't treat her like "Mommy" because Mommy needs a man, not a child, to meet her as an equal.

Otherwise? We might switch teams, just like that. And guess what? We might not invite you to watch.

And me? Well, if things ever go south with The Pilot, I'm flying south solo . . . one-way ticket to the Isle of Lesbos. First order of business? Getting certified in muff diving.

Am I right or am I right?

Coyote Beautiful

When I was in college, I fought alongside my sisters for Suffrage! Okay, it wasn't that long ago, it just feels that way. I took some Women's Studies classes, which of course opened young Jayne's eyes. Being a woman was a highly emotional and weak (in terms of feelings of personal power) state for me, back then.

I felt personally persecuted and victimized, everywhere I turned. If I read about eating disorders, campus date rape, sexual harassment, you name it, I personally identified with the victims and hated the white male patriarchy for perpetuating the beauty myths and the sexualization of women and girls.

In law school, my Rosie the Riveter sisters and I (okay, again, not that long ago) studied critical legal theory and deconstructed white maleness. We learned how being white is like having an "invisible backpack" of privilege that one carries around everywhere. The privilege to have ones leaders and heroes look like you, to not be followed in a store, etc. I wrote a paper on the privileging of white male violence in this country, from pornography to sex and hate crimes.

Somewhere between then and now, I stopped identifying with victims. Events still trigger compassion, sadness and sometimes rage, but it is no longer personal.

Some may still view me as a "radical" feminist. However, things like keeping my name when I got married, earning my own living and demanding equal pay and respect, being assertive, challenging the status quo, standing up for my rights seem quite normal, not so radical to me, But I am a pro-woman, pro-male, pro-sex, pro-gay, card-carrying, dyed in the wool feminist. Deal.

Yes, we live in a hyper-sexualized culture. Yes, there are consequences for that. We have a criminal justice system to prosecute those who abuse and take advantage of others.

However, I do not believe female (or male) sexuality should be locked away in a closet. I believe that sexuality, like money or power, is inherently neutral. It is the intention, emotion, use of it that determines whether it is harmful to oneself or others.

This brings me to another of my favorite "demotivators" from despair.com (Power: Power Corrupts. Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely. But It Rocks Absolutely, Too).

Somewhere along the way, I realized I was powerful. Power-full. I define and determine the terms of my existence. I have choice and free will; I am not a victim of circumstance.

Coming from that place, where I do not feel threatened, where I do not need approval from anyone, is true liberation.

It is from this place where the natural child inside is free to create and play, without limits.

When liberated sexuality (such as taking off your clothes, dressing up pretty, dancing and laughing, acting "sexy" for yourself or anyone else who is around, celebrating in others' inner and outer beauty and sexuality in whatever form it takes) comes from a light, yet powerful, loving, fun, self-determined place, why do some people still wring their hands in dismay?

I'm not putting on the burka, people. Yes, some women still imbue their sexuality with desperation, victimhood, hunger for approval, competition with other women, adherence to strict, tired gender myths and ideologies.

But I believe the alternatives today outweigh the outmoded vision of femininity. There are wonderful alternative blogs, such as 2 Hot Chiks, that advocate for powerful, sex-friendly female voices. I read BUST magazine and am amazed by the prevalence of pro-women, pro-sex alternative pornography out there. If you haven't heard of Good Vibrations, the women-owned sex shop in San Francisco, check them out! Do you think the majority of these women depicted in these pages and sites really are "victimized" or "objectified?"

Could it be they are just having fun and exploring their sexuality in a natural, healthy, stereotype-crushing way?

There are so many fun, feminist websites out there, that shatter the whole "victim" role. My favorite? This spoof mail order bride website, wherein you can order yourself a lovely "lotus blossom" such as this:

CHOICE is the greatest gift we have in this country.

And if you are truly pro-choice, doesn't that include every woman's (and man's) choice, to engage in whatever she or he deems right for her at the time? The choice to be a nun, a witch, a slave, a master, a CEO, a housewife, the President, a lawyer, a helicopter pilot (like one of my friends, who is also very "girlie,") a priest, a criminal, a stripper, a soldier, gay, straight, poly-amorous, a mother, child-free, a teacher, a prostitute?

The last reminds me of the sex worker advocacy group COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics) that calls for respect, decriminalization and fair pay in sex industries.

When I was a manager, I learned to ask my employees to "turn their complaints into specific requests."

My complaint is I hate it when other people impose their own personal values, expectations and old tired ethics upon my choices. My request? Back the fuck off. Pretty please. (Not you, darling, gentle readers. You know, the Man.)