Jayne Says

The Passion of the Jayne

I've been a bad blogger. If it's any consolation, I've not been much of a participant in any other medium, either. I hope I return soon, to all of it.

Pardon me, but have you seen my zest?
Perhaps I grated it by accident
Into the mixing bowl before I baked?
(As if I have the energy to bake)

I'm sorry, Dear, but I just can't tonight
I've come down with a soulache something fierce
My passion seems to have escaped somewhere
If you took it by mistake, I'd like it back

I once was called a zealot by a few
My zeal has gone the absent way of zest
Vanished, vacant, vaporized it's true
Along with my vitality and vim

'Tired' doesn't do this feeling just
Fatigued and weary, bushed, all-in, malaise'd
I'm worn and drained and flat and my world's gray
No joy, no anger, no interest at all

I can bathe and feed myself and mine
Not much more, no work, no play for me
I sleep and wonder and I sleep some more
But mostly I prefer to nap and rest

I should blog (and work and play and care)
I should pay my bills and exercise
I should reach out, answer notes and calls
But all that takes more than I have right now

Fill in the Blank

I stole this one from Jaquandor.

I am looking forward to going on a road trip Tuesday, to meet up with Neena, Edge and Caroline for a bit of camping. There's nothing wrong with meeting up with a few strangers in the middle of the Utah desert, is there?

I want a peaceful, quiet mind.

I wish people would stop hurting each other.

I hate dumbass lawyers . . . especially the kind who keep appealing after they keep losing and ruin my week as I reply to a petition for review in the CA Supreme Court. Where Don Dumbfocker, Esq. from the firm Crowell Underrock & Dye will be denied and lose again. Give it up already!

I love my husband, our neurotic animals, reading, movies, friends, laughter, a challenge.

I miss Paisley. The cat, not the pattern.

I fear waaaaaayyyyy to much. Spiders, heights, disapproval, rejection, failure, letting people get too close, dependency, driving in hectic traffic, that my animals will get sick or hurt, that my husband or I will, wasting my life.

I hear the near-endless chatter in my head . . . what I should do, to whom I should write, what to pack, what to buy, how I should act, how I should look . . . I would like to hear more silence.

I wonder what it would be like to be a radiant, enlightened person who is uplifting and fearless.

I regret many of the hurtful things I have said to and about people.

I am not constant.

I dance after watching dance movies. All around the house. I love dancing and wish I had some instruction. Like with everything else, I want to be a "perfect" dancer, know all the right moves, etc. But the best is when I dance with my dogs (when nobody else is around) because they love it and don't judge me.

I sing off-key but with enthusiasm. Again, the dogs love it and don't judge.

I cry sometimes when I am frustrated. Like when I STILL can't find my way driving around our new town after living here for 8 months. But quietly, stoically.

I am not always as thoughtful as I feel I should be. I have a list of thank-you notes and cards to send out . . . 

I make with my hands . . . I keep coming back to this one. I used to make jewelry. I like to cook but haven't done much lately. I am scared to start knitting given my obsessive personality. I make photographs with my hands and eyes and mind. Um, profane gestures?

I write because I seek contact, shared understanding.

I confuse people sometimes, I think.

I need to relate.

I should exercise more, banish the word "should" from my vocabulary . . .

I start more projects than I finish.

I finish off my drink(s), usually.

I tag no one. Freebie here, folks. [stole that from Jaquandor, too]

Just Like That

For two years, I worked for a miserable woman in a small law office. She was brilliant and had twenty years of experience on me. She could have been an incredible mentor to me had she not been so cruel, manipulative and insecure. A dark cloud followed her everywhere. If the rest of us were in the lobby laughing as work was about to begin, the second she came in the door, a wall of ominous, murky silence assaulted the room; we would all look down and slink quietly back to our offices. The new ones learned quickly not to say "good morning!" as this was greeted with a snarl. Somehow, she managed to suck all of the joy and lightness out of a room.

Now, "Catbert" (she always reminded me of that Dilbert cartoon character; short and round with glasses and an inimitable mean streak, and this is what T and I called her behind her back) seemed to enjoy testing people, finding their weaknesses, and then making their lives a living hell. She seemed to derive whatever pleasure she allowed herself by making people cry.

The lawyer I replaced in that office of the perpetual revolving door told me that Catbert had "emotionally abused" him.  At first I just thought, "Yeah, okay. Pussy." But then I slowly came to understand what he meant.

At first, Catbert loved me. I had a good work ethic, I was mature and did not back down when she tested me. But then as I became more comfortable in the job, she began to withhold information from me, sabotage me, undermine me in front of our clients. She did not want me looking too good. She wanted to remind me who was boss.

I had never encountered anyone so intentionally cruel in my life. And I had to work with her every day. This was actually a good opportunity for me to practice patience, perseverance and compassion, because she was a horribly damaged woman, who felt the need to inflict pain on those closest to her.

And she was such a control freak that she said that when her kids were growing up, the family had two Christmas trees. One for her to decorate, one for everyone else to decorate, because they would not do it "correctly." They were not to touch her tree. Ah, the Joy of the Season of Giving. God, I have too many Catbert stories.

Anyway, the office was dysfunctional (and haunted, to boot) and the "big boss" in the main office, hours away, was a psycho who practiced the "sea gull" management style: fly in from nowhere, crap all over the place, then fly away, leaving everyone else to clean up the mess. And Gull and Catbert were embroiled in a twenty year pissing contest involving an equally-matched, seemingly indefatigable and inexhaustible supply of ammunition (of which cross-fire I unwittingly got sprayed on more than one occasion).

Catbert decided that our little office was so dysfunctional that we would all have to attend group therapy. With her own therapist. With her taking notes. And with this little greasy-haired freak of a "professional" asking about our childhoods for hours. In front of each other and Catbert. Did I mention she was TAKING FUCKING NOTES?

At one point, she and the rapist (oops, I mean therapist) were cornering the newest employee and interrogating her with inappropriate questions. This employee was shy and understandably intimidated. So I interrupt and say I think the whole thing is inappropriate, and they should back off her, and why aren't we talking about office communication and work instead of inappropriate personal issues?

And then the therapist turns to me and asks me what about my childhood made me need to be "The Rescuer." Oy.

So big mean Catbert continued to make our working lives torture.

Now, little Jaynie was not exactly an innocent victim here, who are we kidding? Pit the younger, hungrier Alpha Bitch up against the older, more comfortable control freak Alpha Bitch and there will be some . . . conflict.

Add to that Big Boss Gull decides he wants ME to be the new boss and Catbert should step down. Oh, but she should stay in the same office, won't that work great? She had run that office for twenty years, and she's just going to gracefully step aside and let a newer lawyer who had only been there a few years manage the office? Things went from bad to worse, and then uglier than I had ever experienced or could have ever imagined.

This was the low point of my professional career, circa 2003. I broke a tooth from grinding them at night, I went on anti-anxiety meds for a very short while, I was a bundle of stress.

Catbert finally left, but not without leaving deep claw marks in the larger firm, the office, some client relations and my spirit.

I managed the office for about another year and recruited a wonderful replacement and then jumped ship, happy with the job I had done in uplifting the office, systems, morale, clients, cases, etc.

[And maybe now it makes sense why I dropped out of the big firm race and am on a more spiritual, creative, life-affirming path now? With some legal consulting but not enough that I have to be around LAWYERS too much?]

Well, I haven't seen Catbert in years, and was happy to have that chapter in my life completed. Every now and again, something would remind me of her and those days and I would wince, and my stomach would knot up, reliving that old anxiety.

This morning, I awakened from an amazing dream. I dreamed that Catbert had come into my office, and that we finally had a mature, direct, heart-to-heart about what happened when we worked together. We drank tea, we talked and finally, we laughed. This dream was so vivid, specific and "real" that I woke up feeling relieved and so much lighter.

I honestly believe she came to me in my dream to resolve our conflict (which I believe is karmic and has gone on over many lifetimes but I digress) and just like that, it's over. I mean, it's gone. As much as I dredged up some old bitterness towards her for this post, that is a distant memory. I am at peace with Catbert for the first time. All is forgiven, it is truly over. All because of our interaction while I was sleeping.

Has that ever happened to you, that you had a dream that changed your mind, emotions or life in such a noticeable way? Have you ever had "lucid" dreams, when you are aware you are dreaming and can control your actions? How much do your dreams influence your waking hours?

I believe that so much more happens, and so much important spiritual work is accomplished, during our dreaming hours than we usually recognize. 

Sweet dreams, Beloveds.

No Jayne, No Pain

Each of these topics is a post or several, but given how conflicted I have felt lately about so many topics, I thought I'd write out a glossary to get it all out of my system, so I can move forward, resigned to my persistent ambivalence. (I reserve the right to change my mind about anything and everything. And to add to this list at any time.)

VC: Very Conflicted
C: Conflicted
NC: Not Conflicted

Abortion (C): I am pro-choice and believe abortion should stay legal, because it is mostly a religious/philosophical issue (when does "life" begin, conception or birth or somewhere in between? Does this take into account the soul, what about people who don't believe in souls?) that must not be decided on anything other than ethical (not religious) considerations in our secular society. However, I do believe at some point (such as when the fetus is developed enough to be able to live outside the body) the unborn baby has rights that must be weighed against a woman's privacy/choice rights. This is a serious, sad topic; I don't know anyone who displays a "Celebrate Abortion!" bumper sticker on her car.

Alcohol (C): I like to drink it. I used to like to drink it to excess. Luckily, my body can't handle that anymore. I have been drunk and done things I regret. But then again I have been drunk and had the time of my life. What can you do? We are moderate drinkers now, enjoy wine tasting, a couple of drinks when we go out, but rarely party like rock stars anymore.

Animal Rights (C): This is a topic for another day. I was profoundly moved by the book Rattling the Cage, Towards Legal Rights for Animals by Steven Wise. I have not eaten cows or pigs since 1988, and only relatively recently eat some fish and poultry, but I am conflicted about this. But a relative of mine is walking around with a pig valve that has repaired her heart. Again, I think this is a topic about which we must be progressive and ethical. I wear some leather, I am not militant about this issue (like I used to be) but I do want to advance the causes of keeping animal experimentation to a minimum and eliminating needless animal captivity and torture.

Astrology (C): I have to tell you most of my close friends are fire (Aries, Sagittarius, Leo) or air (Libra, Gemini, Aquarius) signs. I'm serious. Coincidence? Tell me me your sign, Babe, and maybe I'll change my mind! (PS I tend to get along great with Taurus folks and women of most signs, but Cancer, Capricorn, Scorpio men? We likely won't get along)

Bats (NC): Love them. Rescued one the other day from my cat, and delivered it to a wildlife rehabilitation volunteer. It had a torn wing, that broke my heart.

Beauty (VC): Arrrgh. Later.

Birds in Cages (NC): Depressing. I hate this.

Blogs (NC): Andy Warhol was wrong when he said in the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes. I believe in the future, almost everyone will have an equal voice in shaping the world and our collective reality. Whether informing, expressing, relating, humoring or persuading, bloggers have created (for the most part) a profound intimate, continuous, expansive, inclusive global conversation.

Body Piercing and Modification (C): (see also, Tattoos) I think I'm getting old. I don't like face piercings (except for maybe a small nose stud) and the thought of body piercings . . . (((shudder))) -- but not the good kind of (((shudder)))

Breeding (VC): I believe overpopulation is the biggest threat to the planet. Why are we still having so many babies? (Except your kids, of course. They are precious and perfect and will probably grow into adults who will save us all.)

Buddhism (C): Love the meditation, compassion, service, mindfulness components. But . . . I disagree that the body and physicality are to be denied and escaped from. I believe we need to embrace our physicality, connect with our bodies, each other, not just sit around all day in deep thought.

Bush (NC): Hate that fucker.

Celebrity Gossip (C): I want to be above caring about Jen and Brad and Angelina, who was seen by whom, who is in rehab, etc. But . . . I do seek this information out on occasion. Like candy and television. It feeds something. But I did remove The Superficial link from my blog (and I'm cutting down on sugar, too) because it didn't seem, I don't know, life-affirming? But the writing has a certain cruel humor I am drawn to. In getting the link for this post, I ended up getting sucked into catching up with that site for about 15 minutes. You see? Conflicted!

Christianity (C): I admire the progressive, moderate Christians who use their church and faith to uplift one another and be of service and a voice of hope in a time of despair. But then there are the American Taliban, who are hell-bent on aggressively eroding the separation of church and state, and spreading hatred against minority groups. And make millions off of poor, gullible people. I believe it is up to the moderate progressive Christians to be more active and vocal in religious reform, to ensure our secular government remains intact.

Cleanliness (NC): I don't want to smell your dirt or body odor. Please BATHE every day, for the love of, for your Auntie Jayne, for all of us on this overpopulated planet.

Clowns (C): Make some people laugh, terrorize others. Why?

Coffee (C): I love it. I am not drinking it currently, because I did not like the feeling of craving, fogginess and irritability when I first wake up.

Colon Cleansing (C): Dude. TOTALLY by accident this morning I came across this site and started reading about all the gunk and parasites hanging out in our colons. There are pictures and testimonials! Read the "for skeptics" link! This freaks me out. I do NOT like the idea of little worms and squid-like parasites living inside of me. (And yes, I am very embarrassed to admit that after researching the company and products I ordered a two month supply. I will keep you posted (like it or not). And yes, I have fallen for infomercials in the past. Steam irons, Proactive skin stuff, diet aids, vision improvement systems. Sue me, I'm impressionable! And - PARASITES!)

Commercials (NC): I hate them. I do not want strangers (professionally trained manipulators) dumping garbage into my brain to try to get me to buy their crap.

Consumerism (C): I believe we live in an overly materialized corporate culture. But I sometimes like new pretty things. My values and actions are not always aligned and I'm basically screwed.

Cool (C): If everyone's "cool" is anyone truly cool? I heard a song on the radio the other day that cracked me up, it's from MC Lars and it's called Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock. The lyrics are here, they are funny (and so true!) I have ranted about the manufactured sense of "cool" before in an earlier (very cool . . .) post.

Corporate Power (C): I do not believe corporations should be "persons" under the law, and I believe that their charters should be able to be easily yanked for corporate misdeeds, just as individuals have their liberties taken from them if they commit crimes. Corporations are too legally protected. AND I do not agree with the way they are valued, in that ethical, environmental and labor practices are not taken into consideration, just stock prices. The documentary The Corporation is a great eye-opener (and entertaining) if you want to learn more about corporations. But I have an IRA in an Index 500 fund, and formed a limited liability corporation for our film production company . . .

Death Penalty (NC): I am against it because it is not a true deterrent to crime, because I believe it fosters a violent society and the statistics bear out that it is racially administered.

Dentists (C): I fucking hate people putting their hands in my mouth. Add sharp instruments? Drills? Scolding about flossing (as if they floss every day)? No thank you. But they sometimes help.

Dreadlocks (NC): I hate them. They look nasty, and I have it on good authority (my former hairdresser) that they don't dry out right and can have parasites growing in them. Have I mentioned how much parasites freak me out? IF they are tidy and clean and part of your religion or something, I guess you get a pass.

Exercise (NC): I feel better when I exercise. It doesn't take that much effort and the results (in mood, body, sleep, focus, energy, health, etc.) are worth it.

Feminism (NC): I'm an unapologetic feminist and a humanist (and a masculinist, too, damn it). I only wish I had written this great, eloquent post about "The F Word" by Mom-101 (the discussion in the comment section is also quite provocative and intelligent). Somewhere along the way, this word became pejorative. On dictionary.com, "feminism" is defined as: 1. Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. 2. The movement organized around this belief. Yeah, how TERRIBLE and MALE-BASHING it is to believe in social, political and economic equality.

Fundamentalism (NC): I don't care what religion you are, YOUR BOOK IS NOT THE INERRANT, ONLY WORD OF GOD. Given that most religious scholars have accepted how many material errors are in the Bible alone (due to human error, copying problems, bad translations) I honestly do not know how people can say the Bible was written by "God" and its contents are to be obeyed unquestioningly.

God (VC): I do not believe in a personified, old man in the sky, Biblical-type God. I mostly believe in an infinite Tao, nature of things, all connected through an animating energy. I do believe we draw things we want (positive and negative) into our lives, through the power of our thoughts, emotions and intentions. I have seen this played out and use various techniques to "manifest" what I want in the world. Is this infinite, interactive energy "God?" I don't know. I used to get very hung up on the word "God" and was an atheist growing up, but I am more comfortable with the word now. And I'd rather have formerly violent and destructive people "find God" and live with peace, hope and love than find, I don't know, a really good deal on crack. And I do believe if we all invited God (or Love or the Tao or the Universe) into our lives, we would all be happier and nicer to one another. If you want to read a beautiful, intelligent post about one man's struggle with God, I highly recommend this post from Popeye. (And God told me Popeye knows what he is talking about when it comes to religion and faith.)

Homophobia (NC): Wrong and bad.

Horses (C): Girls and women who are big into riding horses. Don't get it. I love horses and have seen them run WILD and FREE and don't understand the desire to ride around and trot on them and wear the funny riding gear. Not for me. Working with horses, like true cowboys? Maybe they get a pass. It's the recreational animal use that bothers me a bit.

Humor (C): Sometimes, all we have to keep from despairing. But sometimes used to deflect real feeling, sincerity. My coping/defense mechanism of choice.

Indian Tribal Sovereignty (NC): Please, read some history and get some culturally competent understanding before you bash tribes.

Islam (C): I have lived in middle-eastern countries and have reveled in the hospitality, history, art, culture, intelligence (and food and music . . . ) of my Arab and Muslim friends. After reading Sam Harris' book The End of Faith, I have been questioning religious tolerance and fundamentalism much more strongly. Has Islam become a cult of death? Again, as with Christianity, I believe it is up to the moderate and progressive Muslims to lead a religious reform.

Jesus (NC): Yes (cringe away, I don't care) I have a personal relationship with Jesus the Christ (that always reminds me of "Kermit the Frog"). I've written before that I discovered one anagram for Jesus Christ is "Crushes Jest" and people don't like talking about him or his teachings for fear they will get sucked into a discussion with fundamentalists who have a . . . different . . . interpretation of Jesus' role in history and spirituality than I have. I'm not interested in eating the body and blood of Christ (weird) or the idea that he died on the cross "for our sins." But his teachings, about love, service, opening our hearts to Spirit? Amen.

Kitchen Remodels (C): We are in the middle of one. Why so expensive?

Lawyers (C): And cops. Hate them until you need one, then they can be your hero. I'm a lawyer but can't STAND most lawyers (especially a certain "type" of stuffy good ole boy in a navy suit who has forgotten how to speak plain English.) The biggest compliment I get is the surprise and disbelief "You're a lawyer?! You don't look like a lawyer!" Thank you very much.

Love (NC): I really believe this is the answer to all the world's troubles. Aligning our hearts and minds with a loving, compassionate response. Why is that so hard?

Lying (NC): Not a fan.

New Age Spirituality (C): I strongly believe that we need to look at new ways of thinking, that archaic, outmoded, brutal religions no longer serve us, and that we are just beginning to look at how to expand our consciousness, and that our relationship to each other, matter, energy, animals and plants, are all more subtle and profound than many of us choose to accept. However, I have spent too much time around marshmallow people and hippies, with their stringy hair and tie-dyed shirts, their $120 Birkenstocks and drippy reasoning while attending a shamanic crystal reiki drum circle . . . With their white liberal guilt and a suppressed inner skeptic. I can't stand being around these people! I'm sorry.

Nutrition (C): I read labels on everything, but I'm pretty casual when it comes to dining out (whatever sounds tasty). I prefer organic (pesticide-free) food because I have actually researched this quite a bit and did some work on a toxic tort case involving the pesticide dioxin that was a real eye-opener! But why so much more expensive? Love the store Trader Joe's out in California, reasonably priced, healthy food with many organic options!

Pie (NC): Delicious.

Pornography (C): Empowering, healthy expression or objectifying, degrading filth? Like I sometimes tell my clients when they want a specific answer, "Well, it depends." And it really does.

Rashes (NC): I am tired of being a "hot house flower" (as my mom teasingly calls me) and having such sensitive skin.

Reading (NC): Better than pie.

Same Sex Marriage (NC): Why anyone is conflicted about this will always remain a mystery to me.

Sex With Children (NC): Don't.

Sexual Attention (C): Nice or threatening and creepy? Again, it depends.

Sincerity (NC): Try it, you might like it!

Smoking (NC): Mostly hate it, especially during a sunny day, people smoking in front of me. I smoked as a teenager, developed asthma. Not cool. Disgusting. I hate the smell of stale cigarettes on people. I hate the way it sticks to my hair and clothes. Gross. If you are going to smoke a pipe or cigar or other substance, these don't bother me like cigarettes do.

Television (C): I don't watch it. Sometimes, when I travel, I turn it on and get sucked in and lose four hours of my life . . . because it is so mindless and entertaining. And that can be a good thing. I do watch some TV shows when they come out on DVD, if I hear enough good things about them (24, LOST, Battlestar Gallactica, etc.) My main gripe about TV is commercials.

Tattoos (C): I have one (a big one) and I like them, but I think there is such thing as too much of a good thing.

Travel (NC): I think more Americans should travel overseas if they can swing it. And not just take a cruise and go to tourist spots, but really hit the out of the way places, immerse yourself in the culture, realize there is more outside our borders . . .

Two Party Political System (C): We need a variety of voices, true, viable vibrant choices. I'm so tired of privileged white guys in suits lying to us, spinning everything.

Wilderness (NC): Protect it, visit it, stand in awe of it, please! (But don't be idiotic. Check out the recent documentary Grizzly Man, about a man who lived with grizzly bears for 13 summers in the Alaskan wilderness until he was eaten by one. He wanted to "become one" with the bears, and guess what? He succeeded.)

Wolf Reintroduction (NC): Yay, yay, yay!!!! Check out Defenders of Wildlife to learn more.

Work Ethic (C): Over-rated? Are we wage slaves mindlessly feeding a consumer culture because we don't know any other way? What ever happened to relaxing, free time, barter, growing our own food, living simpler? I have "down-shifted" and sometimes feel idle, but somebody's got to make time to think and blog about these things!

Zoos (C): Conservationists or exploitive cagers? Both, sometimes?

100 New Jayne Trivia

It is time for me to write a new 100 things about me post. My first 100 things is here.

As strange as it is, I believe I have changed somewhat in the past six months from blogging. My friend Tree theorized that: "the Internet, computer keyboards and Blackberries may be re-aligning our brains. Unlike a pen or pencil or a remote control a keyboard uses both hands. Both hands. This means both sides of the brain are engaged. This potentially means more integration of the brain, more neuro-pathways into more of the brain. This could well save the planet (if all of the computers and waste and by-products of computer technology don't get to it/us first) by having less fixed mechanistic thinking predominate in our power structures. This integration may even change what we feel/intuit as power, powerful."

Yet another friend I'm trying to bully into starting a blog. She has a fascinating, nimble mind.

Anyway, here goes, some might be the same (such as # 1)

1. I get off on writing about myself ; )
2. Not a day goes by that I don't strive to understand how to be in the world
3. People fascinate me
4. I am a little spiritually needy, according to my husband
5. Otherwise fiercely independent
6. Some have told me I am full of contradictions
7. Most people I know are that way to some extent
8. I am soft spoken
9. But an aggressive lawyer
10. New-Agey, hippie people with soft minds make me uncomfortable
11. Even if I am on the same spiritual page as them
12. I like to be clean
13. I hate smelling other people who aren't clean
14. I do not like (am allergic to) synthetic perfume
15. I beat myself up for not being tolerant of unwashed people
16. I think, Jesus washed the feet of lepers . . .
17. You know?
18. From what I have read about the historical Jesus, he was very loving
19. Worked with the poor, feeding and healing
20. I like to read about inspiring people
21. I have no idea what most Christians are thinking
22. I pretty much hate most organized religions
23. I believe to my core in the separation of church and state
24. I am less religiously tolerant than I used to be
25. I believe we can expand our consciousness
26. And be compassionate
27. Without the archaic notion of an external, personified God
28. I like to meditate, it calms my mind
29. Okay, enough with the religion versus spirituality
30. I am married, to a wonderful man, The Pilot
31. Who for some reason puts up with my shit
32. We're not breeders - "child free" not "child less" thank you very much
33. But we have 2 dogs and 2 cats (all rescue animals)
34. And I believe the greatest environmental threat to the planet is overpopulation
35. ESPECIALLY in this country, because we consume so many resources
36. My biological clock must be broken
37. But we plan to adopt one day because unwanted babies and children make me so sad
38. Mad love to all you breeders out there, no offense, okay? Your kids are darling and I'm sure you are wonderful parents.
39. I love it when mature, intelligent adults who want kids have them, actually
40. I am pro choice and pro sex education and pro self-esteem in young girls, good god anything and everything to keep unwanted pregnancies down
41. Sometimes political issues get me all riled up
42. And war
43. And violence against women
44. And sexual exploitation of children
45. And cruelty to animals
46. And corporate greed
47. And deforestation
48. And pretty much any injustice . . .
49. But I don't let apathy overtake me
50. I am a "slacktivist" in a way - write letters, get the word out, from the comfort of my home
51. I have recently come to believe I write/blog mainly to persuade
52. Not for artistic expression or social reasons or just to pass on information
53. I really want to be a catalyst
54. Weird, huh?
55. I don't know how far I will go if things keep getting worse in this country
56. There is a darkness, anger and violence inside of me that scares me sometimes
57. But mostly I am nice
58. Really
59. I am pretty laid-back
60. A low-maintenance friend
61. I am vain
62. I like recognition
63. I am ambitious
64. I'm not proud of that
65. It is refreshing to me when people think for themselves and don't just do things because their parents, society, some celebrity did something
66. I love witnessing the "ah-ha" moments when people break free of "the matrix"
67. And when they realize how powerful they are
68. And realize (bring into being) their potential
69. I love pizza
70. We are learning about wine a bit
71. I have always had a sweet tooth but am trying to cut down on sugar
72. I read food labels, don't like to eat chemicals, pesticides, etc if I can avoid it
73. I used to post "half-nekkid" pictures of myself here
74. Until it felt too cheesy to continue
75. I like my body
76. But I'm not so into sexual attention from strangers
77. Who knew?
78. It's more important to me to be intellectually provocative
79. Stimulate an idea or action
80. I don't feel taken seriously when people are commenting about my sexual desirability
81. Sometimes I take myself too seriously
82. More often, i am able to laugh and laugh at the absurdity of it all
83. I am a movie freak
84. We don't watch TV (killed it years ago) but we watch several movies per week
85. I'm learning how to make movies
86. I read a lot, too
87. I have been preferring non-fiction lately
88. I grew up overseas, for the most part (lived in the Middle East, Africa, Caribbean, Europe)
89. At one time in my childhood, we were on welfare
90. At another time in my childhood, we had servants
91. Because I did not grow up here, I never feel I "fit in" with American society
92. I relate best with those who straddle cultures, in a way
93. Native Americans
94. Gays and Lesbians
95. The liminal, the in-between, interests me, resonates with me
96. If you're into categorizing people, I'm Aries, born in the year of the Rooster, um, INFJ (Introverted. Intuitive, Feeling, Judging if you are into Meyers-Briggs), younger child of an older brother, late Mature soul if you're into reincarnation . . .
97. Sometimes I believe in reincarnation, sometimes I think we all die and turn to dust. I'm fine with not knowing. I'm a lazy Taoist, I suppose.
98. Crap, I went back to the religion, sorry
99. I love irreverent, dark humor
100. I spend too much time in my head

Prepology (Rerun)

Shephard tagged me in his wonderful post about the things we wish we could say to one another but never do. I consent to the tagging, primarily because I pretty much wrote this in one of my first entries. Back in the days when I was deluded enough to 1) tell all of my family and friends about my blog and 2) assume any of them would ever read it.

The original from September 7 2005 is here, but this is a rerun (modified from Shephard's 10 things we wish we could say but for whatever reason we do not):

Just like I swing this pendulum between the sacred and the profane, I also flail, glide, between the poles of needing to be brutally honest and not wanting to offend anyone. My own personal Six Flags Buccaneer pirate ship ride.

Because I need to err on the side of honesty to feed the needs of my hungry temperament, here is my one time only, limited offer, buy now while supplies last, employee discount, manufacturer's rebate, pre-paid calling card of an apology; I'm calling it a prepology.

Please give me your forgiveness (prenediction, pregiveness?) if you know me, or not, and read something and think it might be about you. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings with my sometimes um, direct, opinions and observations.

I'm sorry if I write:

That you could do better than the mate you've chosen, that that extra weight does not suit you, that a little waxing goes a long way, that you're beautiful, that I like both Eminem and Moby, that you broke my heart, that I think you are wasting your talents, that I wish you were living your dreams instead of always talking about what you'll do "one day," that you're no fun to be around because of your negativity, that I could care less about the TV show you're relating, that you are a textbook enabler, that you're an energy vampire and that's why I don't return your calls, that I'm unsettled about my feelings about you, and that's why I don't call you as often, that I really have been too busy to call but I wish we spoke more often, that sometimes I literally have to catch my breath when I see you because of your unexpected radiance, that you abandoned me, dumped me, or molested me, and I'm still not over it, that I think you've settled for mediocrity when you are God, that I think you're a narcissistic bore, that I HATE the music you blast when I'm around, that I wish you expressed yourself more authentically, that the way you have been expressing your masculinity or femininity makes you look like a caricature of your gender--who are YOU?, that everyone thinks you're a closet case, that I think you're a bigot and hate listening to your politics, that your seduction games are tired manipulations, that you are rigid and narrow-minded, that you saved my life, that you inspire me, that you're the best friend a gal could ever wish for, that I felt I knew you from the second I saw you, and that speaking with you is like getting a shot of espresso, adrenaline, or energy, that I love you dearly but can't stand your partner, that I adore your partner but you annoy me, that everyone is tired of hearing you whine, that you have the keys to your freedom well in hand, that you are acting like a big baby and it's time to grow up, that you are an addict, that you are in some serious denial about your relationship, that I wonder what it would have been like if we had been together, that your marriage is inspiring, that your marriage makes me weep, that I aspire to have the loving acceptance you emanate, that your cooking is like love, that watching you eat meat makes me want to vomit, that you're trying too hard to be cool; if everyone's cool, is anyone, really? that I love dance movies, all of them, that sometimes I want to slap you, hard in the face, and tell you to wake the fuck up and live your life before you waste another day, that you are brilliant, that your creativity and humor delight me, that you are more attractive when you take care of your own needs instead of worrying so much about your partner, that I could sit quietly and watch you, riveted, folding laundry all day long, that you are not a victim of circumstance, that you are acting like a human doormat, that I wonder what you look like naked, that it's never crossed my mind to wonder about what you look like naked, that I'd like to hear some of your own opinions for a change, that you can't dance, that you move like a beautiful cat, that I hate smelling your dirty hair, that when I am near you, I want to inhale your scent until it replaces all of the oxygen in my brain and I faint, that you're too old to be wearing that, that you're too young to be acting like that, that I love being around you and miss hearing from you, that we're not as close friends as you seem to think, and that's awkward at times, that you amaze and inspire me with your delightful unpredictability.

And most of all, I'm sorry if you read something you think is about you and was really about someone else. Please spare us all and don't ask me "was that post about me?" If it is, and I want you to know, I will tell you first. Luckily, I'm so self-absorbed that what I mostly write about is ME!

Down with censorship, viva la verdad. I'm sorry, mea culpa, in advance.

Driving Miss Jaynie

We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. ~ Jim Rohn

(Or, as my ace football player cousin has written on the blackboard in his kitchen: "The pain of discipline or the pain of regret. Your choice.")

"Discipline" is the training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement, or, alternatively, the controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.

"Regret" is a feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

"Passion" in this context means boundless enthusiasm.

"Drive" means energy, push, or aggressiveness.

"Ambition" is an eager or strong desire to achieve something, such as fame or power.

I possess Ambition. I feel I should be ashamed of that, or qualify, soften it in some way. I wish I could. My Drive sometimes sputters and stalls, except when locked in to a specific goal or outcome I really want; then I become unstoppable. I have Passion about a few topics and activities. We all do, when we are doing something we love, the chatter in our minds stops and we are so focused and in "the Zone" that we literally lose track of time.

The trait that I have always struggled with is Discipline. I have achieved most of my material goals -- usually by doing the minimum. Good short term memory retention is a blessed trait. I let things pile up higher and higher, then scramble, stressed, to pull it all together. Skip school, then cram for the big test. Pull all-nighters. Start exercise regimens . . . for a while.

I want to be Disciplined, but in a peaceful, easy, not controlling way. Arise naturally early, meditate, cheerfully plan my day, make ample time for play and Passion. I want my Ambition to also relax, its primal rawness rarely serves me (or anyone else, for that matter) well. And I don't think I have much control over my Drive; it's a submerged internal mode that engages to push me forward; it's how I'm wired.

What want to avoid is Regret. But honestly, it rarely makes itself apparent until it's too late. So I study people, I read, I listen to people on their deathbeds who regret not traveling more, not spending more time with loved ones (never that they had worked more!) Sometimes these sentiments are hard to reconcile with personal goals. I am working on it.

(Images are "demotivators" from despair.com - their calendars are great. "Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." "Bitterness: Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams")

If I could relive my life, I would try to commit more mistakes, I would not try to be so perfect, I would relax more. I would be dumber than what I have been, I would certainly take very few things seriously.

I would be less clean, I would take more risks, I would travel more, I would observe more sundowns, I would climb more mountains, I would swim more rivers, I would go to more places where I have never been, I would eat more ice cream and less beans, I would have more real problems and less imagined ones.

I was one of those people that lived sensibly and productively every minute of my life; of course I had happy moments; but if I could go back, I would try to have only good moments, don't waste the present.  I was one of those who never went anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, an umbrella and a parachute.

If I could live again, I would travel with less baggage.

If I could live again, I would start to go barefoot at the beginning of Spring and I would go barefoot until the end of Fall. I would take more carousel rides, would observe more sunrises and would play with more children, if I had my life ahead of me.  But, I am 85 years old and I know that I am dying.

~ Jose Luis Borges

Regret is an odd emotion because it comes only upon reflection. Regret lacks immediacy, and so its power seldom influences events when it could do some good.
~ William O'Rourke

Living the Dream in My Heart - Part 2

I have exhausted all of the excuses reasonably at my disposal. I geared up for it nearly three weeks ago, by sharing many of the internal personalities and influences in my life. Then I began to discuss living the dream in my heart. But I stopped short of making a plan. The internal conversation must be had, an intervention staged by at least a quorum of my participating personalities.

In the style of my friend Edge, I will have this conversation with my inner taskmistress. Wish me luck; she's a dominatrix bitch with a mean whip-cracking wrist.

S: Sybil (a majority of my multiple inner personalities, gathered together as a semi-unified entity for this intervention.)
J: Jayne, who needs to get off her ass and live the dream in her heart.

J: We really don't need to do this. Things are finally settled down; it'll happen, relax.

S: It's been almost exactly 1 YEAR.

J: This has been the strangest, most chaotic year of our life. Remember the Series of Unfortunate Events? Then the move, the 4 escrows, living with your parents (at age 36) for 3 months? How T and I both left our jobs, I went out on my own, he joined the private sector after 12 years in the military? 2005 sucked ass!

S: We are all there, Jayne. But you moved to your new town in September. Actually, nearly six months ago. Coincidentally, didn't you start this blog in September 2005?

J: Yeah, but our house on the coast didn't sell until Thanksgiving. Then there were the holidays. Then my big case. And our Mexico vacation, then I was really sick.

S: Quick question: what did you spend all weekend working on?

J: Ummmmm, pictures for my blog, fixing my banner.

S: And today?

J: At least 6 hours on blog stuff, visiting other blogs.

S: About this blog of yours . . .

J: What? It's been good for me! Making new friends (we know NOBODY in this little town!)

S: Have you tried to meet people in town, much?

J: Not really. Not at all. We wouldn't have anything in common.

S: You can't know that unless you try.

J: I went on MySpace and looked for women looking for friends here, but their interests were mostly NASCAR, country music, kids, their church (not that there's anything wrong with any of that.)

S: MySpace? Please.

J:  You're right.

S: Again, about your blog . . .

J: Lay off! I'm building my voice, learning more about myself and others! Meeting such creative, intelligent, compassionate, interesting people online has renewed my faith in humanity!

S: I'd like to see you spend less time thinking about your blog, online.

J: 2.5 hours per day, all time online, max?

S: Deal. Now we're getting somewhere. But still, things have been fairly settled for a little while now.

J: But I have that appeal coming up next week! At the highest court I've ever argued in front of! It's a case of first impression in California and it's a big deal!

S: Only to a very small number of people, get over yourself. You won at the trial level, you just need to polish up your argument, you'll win the appeal. What about picking up the camera?

J: Beginning March first, my calendar is clearing up. But then I'm going overseas for a few weeks. And then camping in May.

S: Life happens, kid. Maybe you don't want to make this film after all? Would that be the end of the world? You could pack it in. Write, blog, do your work, play with the animals, travel. Nothing wrong with that. Let it go. If you were passionate about it, you'd be filming instead of blogging!

J: But we bought the equipment, started the production company, learned the craft, researched! And no, damn it, I want to do it. I just don't know why I'm afraid of taking the next step.

S: What's the next step?

J: Learning the camera better, doing mock interviews, getting stock footage we want, polishing up my "thesis" and compiling a revised list of interviewees . . .

S: The way you listed that all out, seems intimidating. Can you commit to making an appointment with yourself to sit down March first and make a plan with target dates, action items, etc.?

J: Yes. I put it in my calendar. March 2nd works better for me. It's a date.

S: Good. Make your plan, then implement it by September; you can have your film to the festivals by Winter. If not, just drop the "documentarian" from your profile, it's affected and borderline not true.

J: You are right. Now or never. I am intimidated by the technical stuff - all the settings, the software.

S: You can do it. You have a decent technical mind and a good artistic eye and have a message/story you want to share. If it's not something that you MUST share, let it go.

J: No, it is. It's just the combination of crazy year, intimidation, maybe a little of self-sabotage and inertia? Laziness? Even though I'm usually perfect?

S: Okay, but you're out of excuses. You life circumstances have settled down now, more or less. There will always be things that must be done, but you have hours and hours of time you would otherwise waste.

J: I know. I feel better. Thank you.

S: No problem. Now about those taxes . . .

Call Me Sybil

(For those of you youngsters out there, the 1976 movie Sybil depicts the true story of a woman with multiple personality disorder, with 16 distinct personalities inhabiting the same body. Excellent acting by Sally Field. Do I need to explain this? Part of me says yes, while others are arguing it insults the intelligence of my readers, many of whom, like Larry, are no spring chickens. Sorry, I had to exact my revenge on him for his preface to one of my comments: "Jayne, you ignorant slut." Which was sort of funny, as it is an OLD (like him) SNL reference, and I had been expecting it sooner or later. But did I really need to explain that reference, too? Part of me says yes, while others. . .)

If it isn't completely evident by now, there's a lot going on in poor little Jaynie's head much of the time. I'm gearing up for a post wherein I share a current inner dialog about living the dream in my heart, (and why I am on the brink but for some reason holding back) but some explanation may be needed to fully "appreciate" (as in understand, not necessarily enjoy) the different forces and factors in my life.

How saturated with Awesome is blogging, by the way? That I can legally publicly self-indulge in this manner and that others may even read and may even want to (or fake so I will reciprocate) understand who I am and what I am trying to express, as if it has any bearing or relevance whatsoever on their (your) lives? Commenting on self-revelatory blog posts is sort of like clapping after someone has finished masturbating. Gather round and dim the lights, dearies.

Here are the 16 personalities of Jayne; if you've been reading a while, you will have met them all (or at least some) by now:

1. Child of young single mother, struggling to raise two children while working and going to school. Left alone (and sometimes with people I shouldn't have been left with) and sometimes not enough food in the house, family on welfare.
2. Child of fiercely independent, wander-lusting mother who sent for her two children (me-6, my brother-8) to join her in the Middle East. We spent the night in Copenhagen with a nanny hired long distance before continuing the long journey alone again.
3. Child with mommy, daddy, trust, betrayal, abandonment issues who, as an adult, is beginning to appreciate and even experience some gratitude for being raised in this manner. I am independent, strong, resilient, empathetic for these reasons.
4. Surly teenager, listening to punk rock, smoking, dying her hair black and shaving it on the sides. Big black boots and heavy black eye makeup. Flipping off the world while crying inside a little.
5. A little girl who cracks people up and has since she was a baby. She finds delight in so much and sometimes throws herself on the ground because she is laughing so hard she literally cannot stand.
6. A child who was given some boundaries and manners when my step-father came along. I rebelled like crazy, he was a control freak; we hated one another for many years. But in many ways he was a savior to our family. We are very close now.
7. A child who lived the bulk of her formative years overseas. Middle East, Africa, Caribbean, Europe. I have been skiing in Austria, on a boat up the Nile, seen the pyramids, been to the Serengeti and seen Mt. Kilimanjaro, stood in the Colosseum, rode a camel into the magical ancient city of Petra, been through a souk (like a bazaar) in Damascus, eaten traditional meals with nomadic Bedouin in their tents, been to the island of Zanzibar, the Virgin Islands, stood in awe in front of the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem, then later Michelangelo's David in Florence, stumbled drunkenly around the canals of Venice, hung out a bit in Bangkok, (where my new American friends had "One Night In Bangkok" played for us at a club) Tokyo, Hong Kong, been to Kashmir at the base of the Himalayas before it was closed to tourism, been to the Taj Majal, Crete, all over Greece, France, London, Dublin, met heads of state and much, much more. . . mostly before I was 18.
8. A self-conscious college student at a rich white school. Long, blonde hair, keggers, but never joined a sorority. This place was a culture shock of the highest magnitude for me; I did not fit in (though I could "pass" on the outside) since I had been living in Egypt right before moving to California for college.
9. A driven, ambitious person who pushed herself through law school and into a good professional life, currently working as a legal and political consultant in a complex area of law.
10. A person who has mostly worked in some manner or another in a civil rights capacity. I currently work in a lot of poverty communities.
11. A dreamy artistic type who loves to write, draw, photograph and wants more than anything to make profound documentaries.
12. A spiritual seeker who has had enlightenment experiences and feels some kind of calling to share what she has learned, is learning, to try to make the world a better place.
13. An armchair political activist, adamantly and loudly asking for public accountability in terms of our wars, unchecked corporate power, the current administration's betrayal of our trust, etc.
14. Just a girl who loves to shop, eat, hang out with friends, be superficial, laugh, have some cocktails, swoon over men like Jake G., is quite vain and worried about her appearance.
15. Just a regular American woman, with bills to pay, a household to take care of (or neglect, depending on the day) and mundane concerns and escapist desires.
16. Normally, everyone's go-to bitch.

Whew. There you have it, more or less, the influences and personalities  hanging out inside of me. Of course, I didn't mention my inner lesbian and inner gay man, to stay within the 16 personality model. More than just a pendulum here. I've been poor and had means. I have lived modestly and extravagantly. I have been victimized and become a survivor nobody messes with anymore. I feel I can relate to successful entrepreneurs, academics, teenagers, artists, girly-girls, welfare moms, victims of abuse, intellectuals, hippy-dippy types, atheists, priests, addicts, movie stars, soldiers, kings and just plain "regular Joes" because in some way, I am all of those things. Have you had dark nights (weeks, months, years) of the soul when life was small and dark and it was all you could do to face the day and get out of bed and not cry? Me, too. Have you been brought to your knees in mystical reverence for the timeless Beauty and Love of all creation? Me, too.

I can debate almost any issue, or, if you prefer, we can just hang and drink beers and watch a movie together.

Although I feel I can relate to just about anyone, I also feel that my experiences have made me . . . different from most people, which of course can be lonely. Every once in a while, I meet people who have experienced much of the same things (especially those with both the left and right sides of their brain in good, balanced working order) and they "get" me and that is the biggest gift anyone can give -- to say they understand, they hear, my expression is validated in this lonely world. Again, the Awesomeness of blogging comes to mind.

I'm done now. If you've read this far, I thank you. I need to go wash my hands now.

Nobody's Go-To Bitch Today

Normally, I'm everybody's go-to gal. (How idiotic does that sound? I can't stand the word "gal" but don't feel "girl" or "woman" or "person" fits. How about go-to bitch? That's got a certain ring to it.) I don't fall to pieces, I'm stoic and calm and can immediately solve and act on problems, no matter how exigent the situation. Not that I won't be muttering "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. . . " the whole time, but I'll be moving, acting, saving whatever day needs saving. That's my role, my job. Often self-imposed, maybe, but still.

Frankly, people who faint and cry and whine and go all blank and paralyzed and defeatist and hand-wringy--"We're Doomed!"--when the shit hits the fan, or even when the shit is only slowly inching towards the fan from way across a large room, annoy me to no end. Pull it the fuck together, already, there's work to be done.

There's always that scene in the movie where the girl in her torn dress and impractical shoes is being chased, but she's weeping and stumbling over things, then she trips and falls and needs the hero to pull her up again. Fuck that, I'm my own hero, thank you very much. (Image from here.)

Enter the head cold. Microscopic virus, nonchalantly passed from one [so-called] friend to another along with the salt shaker. Invading, multiplying, triggering all manner of [so-called] helpful responses from my own [erstwhile] trusty body. Fatigue, knocking me on my ass, leaving me gasping for air, heart racing, just from climbing the stairs. Rusty, clunky vacuum cleaner hoovering my brain. Turn that motherfucker off already! Aching joints and muscles.

Last week I found my VERY FIRST GRAY HAIR while gazing in the mirror in the bright Mexican sun. Now I am falling apart. I am suddenly ancient, decrepit. I may have already died from old age and disease, and my stubborn, confused, fevered, senile ghost is typing this out, who knows? Go to the light, Jayne!

And oh, have I somehow neglected to mention the mucous in my delerium? Oh, you are very curious and concerned about the consistency and color of the mucous? Sputum? Phlegm? Well, only because you asked. I normally steer far clear of offending the delicate sensibilities of my gentle readers, but I will do so only, as now, when pressed. Because you insisted. I assure you, it's snot a laughing matter.

This renowned viral chef has surprised me with a delightful combo platter, a house special. The clear, incessant, streaming from the nose kind, violently coupled with an alarming grayish-green glue trying to hermetically seal off my throat and close up all of those pesky bronchial tubes in my lungs.

Oh, you want pictures now? That is where I must draw the line and decline. Boundaries, people. (Plus, I couldn't find any good ones on Google when I quickly looked.)

I'm nobody's go-to bitch today. I'm a sulking, regressed, whining child. I want to be pampered, have the bath drawn for me, have tea brought, my hair smoothed down, with a reassuring kiss on the head, sweet whispers in my ears that everything will be just fine, that I don't have to do anything, that I'll being taken care of. I want to be tucked in, babied, comforted.

For all the neurotic, needy animals in the house to leave me alone (or just cuddle up sweetly and quietly, gently resting their furry chins on my knee, gazing at me adoringly, cursing their lack of opposable thumbs that could be of use for fetching me more tea).

If I had the energy, I'd stamp my feet and throw a tantrum and wail and whine at my husband, "But wwhhhhhhyyyy do you have to work 12 hour shifts noooowwwwww, when I'm so siiicccccck?"

But I don't have the energy. I don't even have the energy to think of another word (synonym, ha!) for energy. And I know why he has to work so much this week, and he's sick, too, and being wonderfully quiet and competent about it. And still offering to get me anything from the store every night on his way back home. Which makes me feel even worse. Have I mentioned lately that I love my husband? Well, I do, so there.

And damn it, yes I'm drinking plenty of hot tea and resting up and taking all the right vitamins and herbs (elderberry! zinc! emergen-C! goldenseal! echinacea!) and steaming, gargling, whatever I am supposed to do. I'm too cranky to be receptive to helpful advice . . . even though I offer the same advice when I am well and others are sick because damn it, I'm everyone's go-to bitch, even (especially?) when it comes to practicing medicine without a license. Just not today.